MegaMistake
by Whyareallthegoodpennamesgone
Summary: Metastuck AU. Fanfiction Dot-Net sends a copy of SBURB to his cousin and his friends, and everything escalates from there.
1. Post your introduction

**(A.N. This is hopefully the only Author's note I'll use. I uploaded this on another site, called Ficwad. So when she makes an appearance in a few chapters, don't feel awkward! It's in the Metastuck AU.)**

Test. Test. Is this thing on?

Okay. Hi there! I'll try to be as brief and as nice about this as humanly possible.

If you are reading this, you or perhaps one of your ill-informed friends have installed the game 'SBURB' onto any sort of computer device or tablet, thus bringing about the end of the world.

But don't beat yourself up about it! You were probably meant to do it, what, with fate and all! So if you did inadvertently cause a giant meteor shower and kill all your neighbours, don't fret! It happens to everyone! Do you know how many worlds have been ended by this game?

A lot. So don't worry!

I ended my world myself a few years ago. Well, my cousin did. She sort of blames me, but I'm okay with that. The most important thing is to not panic. And smile! Smiling is important!

Let's start at the end of the world. Where I gave my cousin a birthday present and became the Reason We Can't Have Nice Things.


	2. Get the Girl a Birthday Present

This is how the world ends. Not with a bang. Not with a whimper.

With a stupid kid who forgot his cousin's birthday.

I anxiously messaged my best friend, hoping he'd have any semblance of an idea what to get her.

**[ (FFN) messaged Pottermore (PM)!] **

**FFN: Oh my God. **

**FFN: WHAT DO FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS EVEN LIKE. **

**FFN: CAN I STILL GET BARBIE STUFF? **

**PM: Like I know, mate. **

**PM: Get her a...**

**PM: Horse?**

**FFN: A horse. **

**FFN: A. Horse. **

**FFN: Where am I going to get a horse?**

**PM: Sorry, mate. **

**PM: Just tryin to help you out. **

Oh, Pottermore. I met him about three years ago, on a chat room. We've been best friends ever since. We both love Harry Potter, but PoMo's a total freak about it. He knows everything there is to know. Unfortunately, he just doesn't ship anybody. I don't get it. Isn't the point of new things to ship them? Am I missing something here? I ship everything, all the time, twenty-four-seven. I'm like the FedEx of relationships.

Oh, Pottermore messaged me again.

**PM: Why don't'cha ask YT? **

**PM: She's a girl, too. **

**FFN: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. **

**FFN: You know what she's like! **

**PM: Just coz she's a little insane in the mainframe doesn't mean that she won't help you!**

**PM: Wait a tick. Brilliant plan! **

**PM: Get her a copy of SBURB! **

I have no idea what he's talking about.

**FFN: What even. What's an SBURB? **

**PM: It's a video game. It's free and everyfing! Just find it online!**

**FFN: Link? **

**PM: No how. Find it yourself, tosser. **

I laughed at that. Pottermore is sort of an idiot, but he respects my language issues and he's honest.

One quick interest scour and email later, I was set. A list of Rules and Terms of Agreement came up, but I just got rid of those. They're probably just like guidelines or something, right? Pssh. LAME!

"I do what I want! I'm an independent person!" I shout to my empty room, and push backwards away from my computer desk, rolling away in my desk chair.

My chair goes back for a bit, then catches on something. I'm thrown to the floor and hit my head on a bookshelf. Agony! Horrible, horrible agony! I have done nothing!

Rolling into a crouch, I carefully examine the crime scene. A wire runs across my room, set up purposely to trip me. My sister would think this is hilarious. She probably did it too. I will fight her! I will fight her and restore honor to my name!

I flick my brown hair out of my eyes. God, Thor never had this problem. I don't want to get my hair cut yet, but it keeps falling in my face. I run my hand over my snakebite piercings. I'm proud of them. They make me an individual. And that I'm different from the rest of society.

Wait, didn't I have to go do something? Fight somebody?

Wait, the stuff I sent to my cousin, I'm not entirely sure what it is.

What if...

What if I sent her _porn?_

OH. MY. GOD. I AM HORRIBLE.

I race back to my laptop and try to message Pottermore, but something's already there. A note.

_Get off the computer. Go outside. From Sis._

Aha! That was what I wanted to do! Fight sister! I open my door, edging forwards. I'll get the drop on her this time around. I'll win, this time. I'll-

My sister gets a swift roundhouse to the back of my knees, dropping me to the floor.

"You haven't been practicing."

I try to get up, but she plants a foot in between my shoulder blades.

"I have things to do. Not now, sister."

The foot goes away, and I roll onto my back, then get to my feet. My sister advances, ranting. "No slam poetry. No editing. No slashing. No plot bunny slaying. Nothing at all! I'm not raising you to be a failure, !"

Whoa, full name. I'm in trouble. My sister's black hair is caught back in a ponytail, offset by a white shirt and red pants.

"Look, Fictionpress, I'm sorry. I'll train later. I've got to deal with something right now, okay?" I tell her, backing up.

"I have to visit your cousin. Fight before I go?" she asks me, relaxing her posture. But I know better. This is not an ask. This is a challenge! She demands that I fight her! The nerve of her!

I open my sylladex and touch my finger to the screen. I've got it set to Tricky Upload fetch modus. It's such a pain to use. My Strife Deck holds literally nothing, so I keep everything in the Captchalogue deck. I can then drag it to the Strife Deck, and then I can equip it.

So needless to say, it takes a while to get myself properly armed. My sister's been pretty much training me since I could walk. The Pen-sword requires the most dextrous of linguistics and the most disciplined grammar for proper use. My Pen-Sword's called Reviewer's Revenge, and my sister's is called Mightier than the Written Word.

I've barely got my hand in the grip when Fictionpress swings for my head. I throw up the weakest parry since I was nine. She swings for my stomach, and in the narrow hallway, it's tough to move. I block the hit, and she jumps over me. I roll backwards, expecting a sucker-stab, but my sister slashes out the light, plunging the hallway into darkness.

_"Sugar Honey Ice Tea!"_ I spit, pressing my back into the wall.

"Got _that_ right!"

My sister plants her foot into my sternum, and with a street-fighter worthy kick, sending me sprawling through the drywall.

_"Pathetic,_ little bro. I expect better when I come back."

"Urrg. 'Kay. Whatever you say, Fictionpress."

My sister spends six months of the year at my cousin's, looking after her, and the other six months of the year looking after me.

She's cool, and she taught me the ancient fighting style of slam poetry. Plus she buys food so I don't die.

Shaking drywall dust out of my hair, I notice that my computer down the hall is beeping. I roll out of the dust and check it out. Ew. YT's trying to message me. No thank you. Last thing I need is Schizophrenic Crazypants screaming at me.

Whatever. Could probably do some research on that game I sent my cousin.

The internet search pulls up a bunch of weird stuff, like that it could potentially end the world. And it's not just one thing, but a lot of things. I hear **"Alternate Timelines" "Heroes"** and** "EXTREMELY HIGH MORTALITY RATE."**

What have I done?


	3. Be the Other, Crazy Girl

_Wait, wait, wait. You, there! Author! Isn't there another girl? _

Well, yeah, but 's cousin is in trouble, and we should probably-

_No! Be the crazy girl! Be the crazy girl! _

FINE. If you say so. We are now the crazy girl.

* * *

My name is Youtube.

I'm not crazy, okay? Don't say shit like that, not cool, bro.

_-Swear to God, you're so stupid- _

_-Your mom is gay- _

_-PEEPLE LIK U SHULDN'T EVEN B ALIVE!- _

I just hear voices a lot. That's all. A lot of them are angry and mad at me for reasons I can't really control, and some are nice, but thing is, there's just so many of them.

I think there could be a million of them. It's actually not that bad

SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I'LL KILL YOU! JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE! PLEASE! PLEASE! JUST BE QUIET!

I just hear a lot of voices a lot of the time.

My internet friends put up with a lot from me. _-Never even seen an episode, how stupid do you have to be?-_ I don't know what they look like, because my dumb dad won't let me skype. Ugh. My dad's stupid. He doesn't get what it's like to be a kid nowadays. _-OMG he's so hot!- _

My dad's really really really really smart, like pretty much all-knowing. But he cannot dress to save his life, though, okay, he always wears these stupid white suits, with these really ugly multicolored ties that're red, yellow, blue and green. We live in the middle of nowhere in the middle of friggin' Sweden, Dad! Who're you trying to impress?!

_-I love her music!- _

_-Sounds like a guy- _

I spend a lot of my time alone. I get to hunt stuff, which is pretty beast. My dad won't eat anything I bring home though. I've never seen him eat. Whatevs, right? More for little old me. I've even made my own weapon, storing in my Like&Favorite Sylladex. The Strife deck's included in that, newest goddamn model right now, and I can 'Like' things into the deck, then I can 'Favorite' stuff into the strife deck. But I have to be careful what I hold and what I lose or else I'll never find a damn thing in here.

I'm using Boomerangkind, razor-edged little number called the Internet Argument.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! QUIET THE DAMN BABY ALRIGHT! GOD! CANNOT EVEN SLEEP ANYMORE!

_-No, YOU suck! XD- _

I have a lot of scars on my hands from the stupid boomerangkind. They don't bleed very long, though.

In my pocket, my handheld buzzes. Ugh. What now? Maybe it's FFN bugging me for

more sexting.

**[ (FFN) messaged Youtube! (YT)!] **

**FFN: I need your help! **

**FFN: BADLY! **

**YT: no need to shot bby mumys here ;) **

**FFN: Uh, no. Maybe later? **

**FFN: Do you know anything about a game called SBURB? **

**YT: whaddaayya wanna know? **

**YT: tell ya whver u want ;) **

**FFN: I sent a copy to my cousin, and now she's not talking to me. **

**YT: u read the instructions? **

**YT: so dum not to. **

**YT: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO MY FRIENDS! LEAVE ME ALONE! **

**FFN: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright. **

**FFN: What if I uh, hypothetically didn't read them? **

**YT: LOLLOLOLOLOLOL! TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO! SUX TO B U DUDE! **

**YT: ICE CREAM CAKAND SLIPPERY NIPLES FOR ALL MY FRIENDS! **

**FFN: ...I'm on the weird side of Youtube, aren't I? **

I choose not to answer back to that. It's not his fault I had an episode. FFN's a nice guy, but he's sort of a ditz sometimes. He also can be a shit friend sometimes, but we're still friends.

Plus, sexting. I know it doesn't mean anything, at least it doesn't to me. That boy can dirty talk me into anything.

Hunting trip unsuccessful, I trudge home, back to dad. My dad's sitting in the living room, sitting in an armchair facing away from the door. All I see is the back of his shiny bald head.

_-Gonna get it now!- _

_-Sa-mooth criminal!- _

_-U ok?- _

I erase any sort of thoughts of FFN, in case my dad can read minds. Last thing I want him to know is that his daughter's been pulling her weight in perverted messaging.

"You Are Late."

I scuff a toe on the floor, not looking up at him.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry, dad. Google."

"Just 'Dad', Youtube. Did You Catch Anything?"

I pull my sleeves down over my hands.

"Nope. Dead out there."

My scraggly blonde hair falls over my eyes. He doesn't respond, so I slip out the front door, carefully shutting it behind me. Then I'm running, pushing myself deeper into the woods. I head to an old cave, one that I've lugged a bucket of chalk to. I've drawn pictures of what I think my friends look like on the walls, along with me, and we're all having adventures and having fun. I've also brought my copy of 'The Great Gatsby' up here too. It's my favorite book, because it's really sad and Daisy and Gatsby should have ended up together, but they didn't.

I reach over to one of the drawings I've done of myself and smear the green sweater I drew myself wearing. Too skinny to look good in anything, let alone green.

Picking up a slice of white chalk, I draw a white circle, then add black with an itty-bitty bit of black chalk for eyes, nose, and mouth.

Then the snakebite piercing.

Dark blue for shirt, light blue for pants, and horn-rimmed glasses, because boys in glasses are always sexy.

Pressing my shoulder blades into the cave wall, I slide my hand over chalk FFN's. Slipping my handheld out of my pocket, I fire off a few messages to that boy in question.

**YT: u ther? **

**YT: ur cuzin FW is fine. prbly found server player online nd is playin w/o u. **

**YT: u ther?**


	4. Introduce the Birthday Girl

_Awesome! This is really good! You can almost write!_

Hey, wait just a minute-

_Whatever. Back to ! I like him!_

Wait. No. We have-

_Did you just say NO to me? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? _

I do. I...I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

_Tell me what is doing. Or all those kids are dead._

* * *

My computer pinged with new messages from Youtube, but I couldn't answer.

There was footage on my TV of meteor showers and fires randomly landing on the other side of the world. I'm about to message Youtube about it when guess who answers my message? My prodigal cousin returns!

**[Ficwad Dot-com (FW) messaged Fanfiction Dot-net (FFN)!] **

**FW: hey sorry about not messaging you. **

**FW: all kinds of busy. **

**FFN: FICWAD OH MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?! **

**FW: yeah. don't need you as a server playa though. **

**FW: got PM on it. **

**FFN: You're still in your treehouse right? **

**FFN: The jungle one? **

**FW: yeah. **

**FFN: Aren't there meteors landing the freak everywhere? **

**FW: yeeeeah. my bad. **

**FFN: Your bad? WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON? **

**FW: the game is ending my side of the planet. **

**FW: you guys should play too. **

**FW: or else we'll all die. **

**FW: listen, i gotta go. **

**FW: there's a bigass meteor headed right for my house. **

**FW: gotta get to the gate. get outta here. **

**FW: Laterz. get playing. **

**FW: :) 3 **

I start to tap out a reply, something along the lines of, 'WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DEAD OH MY GOSH!' when a wave of static runs over my laptop screen. "No! NO! NO NO NO NO!" I scream, smacking the side of it with my hand. Typical! Dies just when I need it!

I slam the lid of my laptop closed and start pacing. My sister's probably gone by this point, and she's not going to be pleased when she finds out I'm officially a world-ending antichrist or something. Frick! I am doomed! So doomed! AHH! What can I _do?!_ Oh, God, _What do I do?_ I've killed everything, I've killed everyone with that stupid game! Dumb! _Dumb Dumb Dumb!_

Okay. Okay, Fanfiction. No panicking. Panicking gets you killed. Stay in control. Losing control means loss means instant death.

I need a copy of the game, post-haste. Youtube will probably server player me or something. I just need to run the game and chase after Ficwad, then click save and exit and bring her back with my sister nonethewiser, right? Easy peasy.

First step, server player. Heck, might even read the rules too. One step at a time.

* * *

_Okay, like THAT made any sense. _

(Knew it wouldn't. Told you so.)

_Did you say something? _

NOPE!

_Show me the non-crazy girl. The Birthday one! _

C'mon, dude. I'm sick.

_Fanfiction Dot-net dies at sea with a sword in his thigh. Youtube dies from an assassination. Should I continue or will you just tell me what happens? _

__Fine. We're now Fanfiction's cousin. Ficwad.

* * *

It was well past noon by the time I woke up. Sunlight was streaming in through the widowns.

Windowns.

WIN. DOWS.

Fuck! Goddammit. It's not a speech impediment, okay?

I disentangle the mosquito netting around my bed and try to decide on something to wear. Most of my stuff is My Chemical Romance, because they are simply the best band EVAR and if you don't like that, then I don't like you. They stop Homophobia and hate and cutting, which is awesome. And I am awesome, and their biggest fan. So it totally fits!

I, Ficwad, have devoted my life to following their band. Who wouldn't honestly?

Ugh. My hair's gone mega-curly from the humidity, and I can hardly see the dye in it anymore. My hair's this really gross brown stuff, like my cousin Fanfiction's, but mine's nasty medusa-curly snarly. I've also dyed mine, so it's red/green/yellow/orange/blue/pink! Awesome! Like me!

It's my fourteenth birthday today, and I've already gotten a few messages from Pottermore and my cousin the tramp who ships everyone with everyone. Slut.

**[Pottermore (PM) sent Ficwad (FW) a message!] **

**PM: Hey!**

**PM: Talked your cousin into sending you that game thing. Dunno why ya wants it so bad. Sounds shite, like. **

**PM: But all the same, Happy Birthday, Pidgeon! **

I scroll through my cousin's rambling and click on the link he sent me. I've heard online that Homestuck is simply the most _awesome_ thing to hit the internet since the Sims or MCR, so I have to have it! I'm awesome! It's awesome! So duh!

I tap my fingers on my desk, then remember I've still got a lot of shit to do. Fuck.

Leaving the game to load, I wander away from my computer to get some shit done before the game loads, hopefully.


	5. Be the Author See all the kids

The author sits alone in an empty room. She waits for the order from her boss to tell her who to watch next, but it never comes. Where is he?

She doesn't know what his name is, but she knows he's big, bad, and slightly murdery.

Blowing air out the side of her mouth, she knows she should probably focus in on Ficwad. After all, the girl's in trouble, or will be soon, with that game! But it would feel wrong to go on without looking at poor PoMo! He's a good guy! Nice, even!

Turning to the third wall-there are four surrounding her, and each wall shows a different character-she does a quick zoom-in on Pottermore. A quick look couldn't hurt, right?

* * *

I bloody well wish I lived in England.

I don't.

I live in sodding Pasadena Cali-_fucking_-fornia, thanks much, love. Everyone cool lives in England and everyone who's a snot lives in Pasadena. I live here in a Penthouse with me mum. It's a big flat, too, and I really like it, since I can do whatever I want long as I don't wreck nothing.

"Hey, PoMo? Honey? Can you take out the trash on your way out?" my mum calls.

"Alright, yeah!" I call back. I'm procrastinatin' going to school. I hate school. Lots of scummy people go to my school and they don't like me much.

My mum puts up with me, though. Her name is Dot, and she works at Warner Brothers. Running joke between us is that she's the unofficial Warner Sister.

My mum's got blonde hair and really skinny legs, even more proof that I'm adopted. Chubby and ginger and glasses, where the bloody hell did that come from? Weird genes there, mate.

Throwing the garbage into the chute down the hall (damn thing used to scare me when I was little-thought there were monsters in there that ate the garbage) and catch the elevator.

The walk to school's nothing special in itself, it's the people there that make it so _memorable._ They're all gits and tarts, every last one of them. Wish I could just make them all go away. Sodding Pasadena.

It's not that I'm bollocks at maths and stuff-I'm brilliant. I don't have any real friends, I mean, I've got a few, but they don't acknowledge me during school, or stand up for me during those stupid sparring matches with every other Neanderthal Man that gallumphes my way. I don't know how I became so vastly unpopular.

"Hey! Hey! Wizard boy! Look out, guys! He'll put a spell on you!"

Oh my God. Not this shite again. Look, I still believe in magic, okay? Why's that such a big deal? Magic happens! Call it miracles or fate or whatever, but please please stop calling me a wizard, you're making everyone around you stupider.

Getting shoved flat on my face is another matter. The braying laughter is, again, expected. Sure, push the pudgy pale kid who sunburns like it's an olympic sport flat on his arse! Hilarious! God, shut up and get a job instead of a trust fund, why don't you.

Wish some of me Internet Friends went to my school. Youtube's my favourite girl. She's got her own problems and such, but she's good people! And once she told me she's got white-blond hair, and she hardly ever talks about herself.

Pushing my face outta the dirt, I wipe off my glasses, pick up me books, and head off to biology, ignoring the comments, the insults, and outstretched legs aiming to trip me up.

Because it's funny, isn't it. Picking on the pathetic kid. Remember last year when I broke my nose behind the school? Or last month, when I twisted my ankle trying to run away? Or when I got my lip split last week?

Why can't I be a hero like in the books?

* * *

The Author takes a step back. _What?_ Why hasn't PoMo _talked_ to anyone? He was so happy for everyone else. In his baggy pants and T-shirts and always staring at the ground, poor guy, who could possibly do something like this to him?

Feeling a flash of righteous indignation, The Author flicks through images. Pottermore finding out about Homestuck and how it would destroy the world, sending him on an adventure through time and space. Being too shy to ask any of his friends to server player it for him. Not wanting to play by himself and kill his only friends. Writing an article about how awesome the game was so it'd appear in Ficwad's newsfeed. (Sneaky bastard!)

Agreeing to Server Player her so he'd get into the game for sure. Kid's got an ace up his sleeve, that's for G.D. sure.

Turning around to face the second wall, The Author focusses back in on Ficwad.


	6. Ficwad: Ollie Outie

The shit I plan to get done starts with breakfast. Ficwad (who is awesome and also me) is making breakfast. I sometimes refer to myself in the third person for no particular reason. It makes me an individual who's not afraid to look outside the box at the void surrounding her life.

* * *

Breakfast includes fruit and plants. I don't eat meat, because I'm a vegetarian. Killing animals is _so_ not cool! Besides, I get enough from plants and vegetables and the bread my cousin Fictionpress mails me, even though my fingernails are kind of weird.

Besides breakfast, I also get dressed. I like wearing black, but it's so damn hot in the jungle where I live that I sweat like a motherfucker and stain everything. So today it's olive green day. I dress up according to color days. I've had red day, blue day, and pink day already this week. Dressing in a solid color is fun, and Olive Green makes me feel like Jane from Tarzan, along with the whole living-in-the-jungle-by-myself sort of dealio.

My treehouse is where it's _at_, yo! My cousin Fictionpress is only here six months of the year, and the rest of the year she's looking after my Skank-Whore-Shipper cousin FFN. One who is Supremely Awesome Does Not Need A Babysitter Year Round. Duh.

Speaking of supremely awesome, my laptop dings. Sick Rad Awesome, Brah!

I hastily stash a few changes of clothes into my sylladex, which takes about fifteen minutes. I don't mind, the system I use is definitely superior to anything else. It's Rate Up/Rate Down. See, it's voice activated. I can command it by saying what I'm locking in, along with the phrase, "Rate up!" or "Rate Down!"

Rating up something puts it closer to the top of my Sylladex, and rating it down puts it lower. It's easy, until you realize you've rated something so far down you'll never find it.

The message is from Fanfiction, who's finally sent me a birthday message. He didn't send me anything last year because he forgot. What a homophobe. Oh, hey, now, what's he sent? SBURB? No. Way. No Freakin' way! Oh my Gerard Way, this is too cool! I double click on the link, expecting some sort of epic start-up music.

My computer screen goes black instead. "What the fuck?" I ask, smashing random keys.

When I hit the enter key, I get a countdown of Four minutes and thirteen seconds. What even? I send a quick message to Pottermore from my handheld. Youtube got me a copy last year.

**[Ficwad (FW) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**FW: what the fuck, dude. the damn thing doesnt even work. **

**PM: What's not working, pigeon? **

**FW: Homstueck! it's just given me a countdown. **

**FW: Homestuck* **

**PM: You're running it NOW?! **

**PM: I'm in the middle of class! **

**FW: listen, you're being a major homophobe. wanna help me or not? **

**PM: Don't use words if you've got no idea what you're saying. **

**PM: 'Sides, I've got flat A's in this course. It's doing this on a phone screen that'll be tricky as all hell, love! **

**FW: just get going already!**

**PM: Right-o. Downloading things. **

**PM: And now movin them...**

There's an earth-shattering crunching noise from the front of my treehouse.

My handheld bings with more messages.

**PM: Whoopsy daisy. **

**PM: Sorry about that. **

Dashing to the front of my treehouse, there's now a huge hole with some sort of machine through my front door.

**FW: WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK IS THAT!?**

**PM: It's something that'll help you later. **

**PM: Sorry about the front door. My finger slipped. **

**FW: STOP DROPPING MACHINES ON MY HOUSE! THIS ISN'T TERMINATOR, POMO! **

**PM: Machine number two inbound. **

**PM: You might wanna duck, pigeon. **

I slam to the floor, and another machine falls through the roof to my left.

"Stop dropping stuff! I like my house without you adding skylights!" I scream.

**PM: IT'S NOT ME BLEEDIN FAULT! I'M ON A PHONE SCREEN WITH SAUSAGE FINGERS! **

**PM: And yes, I CAN hear you. **

Pretty sure I'm blushing by this point. "How many more machines do I have to get?" I ask the empty air. Does Youtube feel like this? I think her mental illness is tragic. And it makes her unique! Which is awesome! Being unique is a miracle.

**PM: That's all you get, for now. **

**PM: Seeing as we've got less than five minutes till the end of the world, mind checking them out quick-like, love? **

Feh. Don't tell me what to do! I'm my own person! Wait, that machine actually looks pretty cool.

I amble over to the first machine that crashed through my house walls. "How'd you even get in here?" I ask, looking to my handheld.

PoMo's message comes through quickly.

**PM: Easy, pigeon! It's a drag and drop menu on my phone! Like the Sims! **

**FW: so basically you can control whatever the fuck hapens in my house? **

**PM: Exactly! **

**PM: Can I burn down all your stupid Frerard Fanart? **

**FW: NOOOOOOOOOOONONONONONONONONONONONONO! **

The walls of my house are papered in Frerard stuff. I really, really like them! They are pretty much the perfect couple, and it's such a shame that they've married their wives and all. But don't worry! Eventually they'll figure out that they're gay and that they belong together.

Turning my attention back to the first machine, I run my hand over it's surface. It's big, with a boxlike platform, with a cylinder on top. There's a touch-screen on the side, and I run my fingers over it.

**PM: DON'T TOUCH THAT!**

**PM: Shite. **

A string of numbers runs across the touch screen, to be replaced with one word.

"Look! Pottermore! It's welcoming me!" I shout, because it is. Even machines have to recognize how awesome I am!

The top of the cylinder sinks down, spitting out a solid, glittery-rainbow cylinder. "What's that?" I ask, waiting for PoMo to recognize.

**PM: That machine is called a Cruxtruder. **

**PM: The thing it spat out is a Cruxite Dowel. **

**PM: Pick it up, or put it in your Sylladex or something. **

**FW: k cool.**

I dig my sylladex out of my pocket, and recite, "Mega-Glitter-Rainbow cylinder. Plus five." True to it's form, a silver haze encopasses the frame of the cruxidte towle.

ENCOMPASSES. CRUXITE. DOWEL. GODDAMMIT.

It appears shortly after in my sylladex. No idea how the fuck that works. Magnets.

The Cruxtruder clunks again, and spits out a sphere with smaller circles glowing inside it.

**FW: oh hellz, yo. it's spitting out something else!**

**PM: Is it a random flashing circle with other circles inside it?**

**PM: That's going to be your guide. Take something you'd really like and toss it at it!**

Glancing around, I rip a few Frerard fanarts off the walls. I should easily preserve my OTP. I will bring them with me into the next world! I flick it forwards, like I've seen people throw frisbees. The sphere takes it in, and immediately begins to balloon into something with two heads.

Wait, what? NO! NO NO NO! Something has gone horribly wrong!

"Urrrgh..." gurgles my brand new sprite.

My new sprite guide has two heads, one supposed to be Frankie and the other is Gerard. My anatomy's a big wonky, so the arm on Frankie's side is longer than Gerard's. Gerard has a lazy eye, though, to make up for it.

**PM: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...FRETARDSPRITE!**

**FW: sooooo not funny. can i fix it?**

**PM: Learn to love it. Try that, for a change.**

**PM: How much time we got left?**

I race back to my room, ignoring Fretardsprite, to check my computer. "Two-thirteen!" I shout.

**PM: Not a lot. We'll have to do most of the making stuff in the Medium. **

"The What?"

**PM: Where you're going next, love! **

Then guess who messages me at this crucial time? My Fan-trollop cousin, .

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Ficwad (FW)!] **

**FFN: Hey, chick-cousin. **

**FW: WHAZZUP, MY UNICORN BRO? **

**FW: Awesome program you sent me! running it rgiht now!**

**FW: Right* **

Ugh, that's embarassing. EMBARRASSING. Fretardsprite taps my shoulder. "Not now!"

**FFN: STOP. DON'T DO IT. **

**FFN: DESTROY THAT DISK. **

Like I'm listening to you now, Bro.

**FW: yeah, no, don't think so. **

**FW: i've already downloaded stuff for it. **

**FFN: What kind of stuff?**

Can't you see I'm busy, you pea-brained busybody? To make matters worse, Pottermore messages me.

**PM: Can you put the Dowel on the big round machine? **

**PM: The one I almost crushed you with? **

I toggle my sylladex over to the dowel while keeping my convos going. Smart girl.

The second machine is a flat round circle with a larger cylinder to the side of it, clearly labelled 'Alchemiter'. I match the dowel up with the larger cylinder on the Alchemiter.

I'm getting good at this.

Right away, an arm of the machine pops out, and starts carving the dowel.

I message FFN back.

**FW: like machincal stuff! i've made these cool crystal stuff, and i got them all shaped. **

Then Pottermore messages me. What the fuck, cannot keep doing this. Fretardsprite lets out a wail. He apparently bumped his head on the ceiling. I'm not even paying attention to that ugly thing. I want a new sprite.

**PM: Later on, you get to make your own stuff, too. **

I don't respond, but I send it straight to Fanfiction.

**FW: sez i get to make stuff to. awesome! can't wait! **

**FW: i've also got some sort of countdown. it says I need a server player. will you be my server player? **

Wait, fuck, why'd I do that? Goddamn it, do not want to continue this conversation.

**FFN: Okay. What's the countdown mean? **

**FW: i've got 3 min 14 secs. Sex, lolz. **

Yeah, I lied about the time, so what? Fretardsprite pulls on my arm. "What do you want?!" I ask, voice breaking. Fretardsprite points out the window, looking worried.

Fuck all. "Fine! I'll _look!_ Happy now?" I snap.

Pushing myself off the edge of the Cruxtruder, I climb to the top of my Treehouse. The air feels thick, like smoke in my lungs.

What...oh my God.

The entire forest around my house is on fire. I'm literally in the middle of hell. Holy fuck! Jesus, what do I do? I look to the sky, to see meteors streaking red-hot, leaving flashes when I close my eyes. They're landing with dull thuds against the earth, trees catching fire where they land.

Looking straight up, I notice a really, really big and nasty looking rock headed right for my house. That's it, so outta here.

Leaping down through the hole, I run to what used to be the dowel. Fretardsprite starts wailing pitifully. My heart twinges with pity. Or maybe that's disgust and anger.

The dowel's been carved into a box. Reaching to the side of the Alchemiter and running my hand over a screen in the side, a bookshelf and book appear on the flat circle.

This doesn't even make any sense any more. But Fuck this. Fuck real, Fuck not making sense, Fuck this game. I don't want to play.

**FW: POMO! DIRECTIONS!**

**PM: Loud and clear, pigeon. Pick up the book and crack it against the ground.**

I reach over, hauling the book up in both hands, and I can see the flames roaring outside the window, and my lungs hurt so much, but I send one last message to my cousin in case everything fucks up and I fucking die. Fretardsprite starts making panicked sounds.

**[Ficwad Dot-Com (FW) messaged Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN)!] **

**FW: hey sorry about not messaging you. **

**FW: all kinds of busy. **

**FFN: FICWAD OH MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?! **

**FW: yeah. don't need you as a server playa though. **

**FW: got PM on it. **

**FFN: You're still in your treehouse right? **

**FFN: The jungle one? **

**FW: yeah. **

**FFN: Aren't there meteors landing the freak everywhere? **

**FW: yeeeeah. my bad. **

**FFN: Your bad? WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON? **

**FW: the game is ending my side of the planet. **

**FW: you guys should play too. **

**FW: or else we'll all die. **

**FW: listen, i gotta go. **

**FW: there's a bigass meteor headed right for my house. **

**FW: gotta get to the gate. get outta here. **

**FW: Laterz. get playing. **

**FW: :) 3**

I add the happy face to let him know it's all okay now. Hoisting the book above my head, I slam it to the floor, where a crack runs up the spine. "Nailed it!" I shout, punching the air. Even in the threat of death, I'm still cool.

A bright light bursts from the cracked book, and I cover my eyes.

I don't smell smoke anymore.

I don't smell anything.


	7. PM and FFN: Chat about Armageddon

_So. Been writing your own story, have you?_

What's it to you?

_Don't like your tone._

Y'know what? I don't think I care, much.

_What do I have to do? Kill them all in front of your eyes? Prophesy their deaths?_

...

FFN, if you don't mind.

* * *

I keep trying to message my cousin, but she's not answering. I know she's alive, probably, but she's ignoring me. Oh, God, what if she's not okay? What if I've screwed up really badly and killed her? Oh, no, that can't be true. This isn't my fault. It can't be my fault. Why is it so hot in here? My chest feels tight. Who can I talk to? Who wold know about this?

Pottermore. He'd know. He knows everything. This is all his fault. He caused this, not me. I tap out a harshly-worded message.

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**FFN: I'm raising the rating on this to T for language.**

**FFN: But all things considered.**

**FFN: YOU.**

**FFN: INSUFFERABLE.**

**FFN: PRICK.**

**FFN: YOU SENT MY COUSIN OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET, AND HAVE BROUGHT ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD.**

**FFN: CONGRATS.**

**FFN: YOU'RE THE ANTICHRIST.**

**PM: Alright, yeah, I can understand you've got your knickers in a twist over this.**

**PM: But before you start ragetyping at me, listen!**

**PM: Ever think about how the world might not be worth saving?**

**FFN: No. Nuh uh. Don't pull that sociopathic crap on me right now.**

**FFN: It is literally the ONE THING I don't want to hear!**

**PM: You really are knackered at me, aren't you?**

**FFN: WHAT, LIKE YOU CAN'T TELL?!**

**PM: Calm, down, will you?**

**PM: Look, Ficwaddle's perfectly dandy. She's in the Medium.**

**FFN: The what?**

**PM: The wait a minute.**

**PM: Did you not read the directions?**

**FFN: I don't need rules to tell me how to play.**

**PM: AAAH! OH MY GOD! WHAT THE SODDING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?**

**FFN: LANGUAGE!**

**PM: Oh, shove it. Shite, shite, shite. Okay. Do you know about dream selves or anything at all?**

**FFN: No.**

**PM: Okay. Um. I don't know if I can explain this over chat. Don't worry, though.**

**PM: Everything's gonna be okay!**

**FFN: How can you be so sure?**

**PM: I just know. Please believe me?**

**PM: But here's the basic overview:**

**PM: This universe will end.**

**PM: All four of us will hopefully be transported to another universe.**

**PM: We will battle it out with some horrible evil agent.**

**FFN: SUGOI!**

**PM: ...**

**PM: And now for the solar system?**

**PM: There are only three planets in the Incipisphere at the mo.**

**PM: When a new player enters, they get their own planet.**

**FFN: So far, this makes sense.**

**PM: Your cousin, Ficwaddle, is in the Medium, which is the space between planets. She is literally in a void.**

**PM: The other planets are Prospit, Derse, and Skaia.**

**FFN: (Absorbing information and debating taking notes.)**

**PM: Skaia is basically made up of unlimited creative potential. It can do everything and anything. More or less, I think. **

**PM: It kind of sucks that we don't know a person who knows absolutely everything about SBURB. They would be super handy.**

**FFN: So this Skaia thing is more or less like stem cells?**

**PM: Hey, presto, there we go.**

**PM: Exactly.**

**PM: The other two planets, Derse and Prospit, are at war over Skaia.**

**PM: Lots of power, and all.**

**PM: This is where it gets confusing.**

**FFN: It wasn't already?**

**PM: On Derse, or Prospit, there is an alternate version of the HS player.**

**FFN: WHAT WHAT WHAT I HAVE A CLONE?**

**PM: Yeah, pretty much.**

**FFN: I should have started playing sooner :D:**

**PM: Somehow I have a feeling you haven't been paying attention. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure somebody could just go back and read these chat logs if they get lost. **

**PM: And I'm sure that absolutely NOTHING here will lead to foreshadowing in the future. **

**PM: Anyways, every time you fall asleep once you enter the game, your dream self wakes up, and you can trod about on Derse or Prospit or wherever the hell you happen to be.**

**FFN: This is so cool.**

**PM: Listen...this is kind of a big deal. I need you to get me out of Pasadena, mate.**

**PM: For good.**

I look away from the marathon chat session to check the news, mostly on meteor progress. It's moved up from South America and is moving towards the southern USA. I'm in Los Angeles right now, so I think I'm safe. I didn't know Pottermore lived in Pasadena.

**FFN: You live in Pasadena? I could have visited you! DUDE COME ON. **

**PM: I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. **

**PM: But can you please get me off this sodding planet before I burn to death?**

**FFN: What can I do?**

**PM: Download the Server Player software. Move the machines into me flat, I can take it from there.**

**FFN: This game messes up reality, doesn't it?**

**PM: Video game logic For the Fuckin Win.**

**FFN: LANGUAGE!**

I run a quick search for the software, and I hit the download key. This is too easy.

God. I'm actually on the cusp of something, aren't I? This is it. I can't just back out of this. I'm deeply entrenched in this thing for good. It's not like there's enemies in this game either, except for that Agent guy. This thing'll be a cakewalk. "I'm not a failure, FP! I'll show you up! Show you who's boss!" I shout, standing on top of my chair.

My chair creaks under my amazing hero pose, then breaks. The base and the cylinder separate with a very plastic sounding _Crack!_

My sister's handiwork. Again. God knows when she did this. She might have snuck into my room while I was asleep. Two weeks ago. This Morning. After the fight. I don't know, pick one.

I try in vain to remember my deep thought, but it's long gone. Oh well.

Pulling myself forwards along the carpeting and giving myself what feels like a massive carpet burn, I trawl over to my laptop, which seems to dictate my life. A few keystrokes is all it takes to download the Server software. I fall asleep on my carpet with my hand still resting on the keypad. It's a good life, being a teen.


	8. FFN: Mess up Pottermore's Sprite

I wake up to increasingly worried messages from Pottermore, mostly him just asking if I've gotten the software, is my dream self awake, and seriously, where the Bloody F am I, why aren't I answering?

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Pottermore (PM)!] **

**FFN: Okay, can we not do this over chat? **

**PM: FINALLY! Thought you'd died on me. **

**FFN: Oh, relax. I took a nap. No dream selves, by the way. **

**FFN: Up for starting a IRC? **

**PM: Blimey! We haven't done that since we were into World of Warcraft! **

**FFN: Grade eight was awesome. **

**FFN: Yes or no? **

**PM: YES! Let me get my headset! **

I shut down my chat program-judging on the state of the planet, I should probably keep it open-and reach for my headset, which is buried at the back of my computer desk.

The chat thing is common when using online role-playing games, such as when we both embraced the dork side and had an extremely successful account on World of Warcraft. I was an elf, and he was a gorilla or something.

I slid my headset over my ears just in time to hear the end of Pottermore's sentence.

"-Ficwad's gonna be on."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. FW's on?" I ask, adjusting the mic so I'll get heard.

"I'm already on, brah! Where the unicorn fuck've you been?" my cousin shouts.

I cringe. "Language."

"Oh, bite me. I'm in the Medium. God, this game is such a pain in the ass! Can I quit?" Ficwad asks. "Yeah, go ahead. Pretty sure your jungle is dust and brimstone by now, but feel free," PoMo responds. His english accent is as thick as ever. "Don't be a-ARGH!-_homophone!"_ my cousin shouts. I bite back a few giggles. Malapropisms are miracles.

"You okay?" I ask, hoping my sniggering won't carry over the line.

"Fan-fucking-_tastic!_ There's monsters in the Medium, though."

What? "Are you okay? Are you hurt?!" I shout, double clicking on the Server Player Software. If this game keeps going on, I'll never see the sunlight again. I'll turn into Gollum.

"Oh, ree-lax! Y'know how I won't kill stuff?"

"Yes, I know of that, mostly from your refusal to eat bacon."

"Well, I've changed!"

"That's-"

"I only kill ugly things! And these monsters are hella ugly!"

"...Counterproductive."

Pottermore clears his throat. "Not to interrupt the feelings jam, but seeing as we've got a meteor shower headed straight for my flat, and I'm not really in the mood to be buggered over by this, straight?" Pottermore snaps.

"Touchy," I mutter. The software finally loads, and an apartment layout loads. "Yo, PoMo! This yours?" I ask, clicking on a lamp, dragging it off the table and waving it around. "Put that down!" Pottermore snaps, and he runs into the corner of my screen, trying to grab the lamp.

"Dude! I can see you!"

"What're you doing?" Ficwad asks.

"He's grabbed a sodding lamp and is waving it around like a Ghostbuster. FOR THE LAST TIME, PUT IT DOWN!" PoMo screeches, and I unclick, letting the lamp crash to the floor.

"How much time do you have on the countdown?" Ficwad asks.

"There's a countdown?" I ask, answered by twin sighs of defeat. "Okay, there should be a dropdown menu on the side of your screen. Click on it, then drag the two machines into the main screen. It's easy peasy," Pottermore explains.

I do as he says, watching him stumble out of the way of falling drywall.

"Did I just break your ceiling?" I ask.

"Well, a little..." Pottermore says, sounding truly sorry.

"I am so sorry."

There's an explosion from Ficwad's line. "Man, I fuckin' love this thing! Y'know my One shot and Two shot rifles?" she asks, sounding excited.

"Yeah?" I respond, watching Pottermore scamper around the screen, turning on the machines, adding Onyx cylinder things to his sylladex, glancing out the window now and then for meteor progress. Buildings up the block are on fire, but he doesn't seem to care.

"Well, I combined the rifles with other stuff, it's so _hella sick,_ the game's got this feature, and I mixed them with some MCR posters, and the weapon's called Headfirst for Headshots, and it shoots grenades and..."

I tune her out, making noise at the appropriate intervals. I click around Pottermore's apartment, looking around.

"PoMo, buddy, this is your apartment?" I ask, with an aggravated sigh from FW for blowing her off.

"What's it to you?" Pottermore asks, running a hand over his face, watching the thingy that spat out the cylinder spit out a flashing sphere with circles in it.

"Kill you to clean up once in a while?"

"Not funny."

"Not to you. You don't have a soul."

Racing back to his room, Pottermore shouts, "STOP MAKING GINGER JOKES, RACIST TWAT!"

Scrolling some more around PM's apartment, I ignore him snatching his beloved Harry Potter books off the shelf, eventually wandering into his mom's room.

"PoMo! YOUR MOM'S HOME!" I shout, seeing her asleep in bed.

"Whot? Oh, yeah, yeah, she had a bad day at work, came home. And, er, got properly smashed. So she'll be out for a while." With a few grunts, Pottermore throws the books at the sphere, which absorbs them, lengthening out. "What's his sprite? Mine's stupid and I kind of hate it." Ficwad says, still sounding put out.

"Pottermore, why's your mum so hot?" I ask. She does have a sort of attractive-older-lady thing going on. I bite my lip, and wait for PM to reply.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" He screams at the ceiling, trying to find me.

_"Oh-EM-Gee-Way!_ FFN!" Ficwad shrieks, quite appropriately LMFAO-ing.

"That's not funny! My mum isn't fit!" PoMo wails.

"Whatever!" I shout, clicking onto a stuffed animal, swinging it around in a circle until my finger slips off the keypad. The stuffed animal goes flying through the air in an arc, quite beautiful, actually-

Pottermore's sprite opens it's eyes, name scrolling across my screen as Harry Pottersprite, and wait a minute-AHH! DUCK! _DUCK! DUCK!_

The stuffed animal hits poor, poor Pottersprite right in the face, and the sprite absorbs it.

"WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?!" Pottermore demands, sending a wave of ear-popping static into my poor eardrums.

"AHH! I'M SO SORRY! HOW DO I UNDO!?"

"You _can't!_ GOD, YOU BLEEDING IDIOT!"

I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that! A new name scrolls across the screen, as 'Harry Primatesprite.'

"Did he combine the sprite with Mr. Bubbles Monkey along with the Harry Potter stuff?" Ficwad asks.

"Yes...yes he did, pigeon." On screen, Pottermore sinks his face into his hands, briefly, then seems to snap to. Slamming down the Onyx cylinder onto an arm of the second machine, Pottermore growls into the headset. "I can take it from here. You've done enough."

Well, that's done. I screwed up his sprite. Fictionpress didn't raise me as a failure, but that's what I turned out to be. I watch the machine carve the cylinder into a rabbit and a cage. Pottermore carefully takes the rabbit from the shiny onyx cage, then proceeds to rip it's head off.

I watch as Pottermore's entire apartment building disappears in a flash of white light, then meteors pound into the empty lot.


	9. Youtube: Get your friend outta Dodge

"Oh, Goddamn it, come on. He's mad enough as is," The Author mutters, trying to get the fourth wall to focus. Youtube's on the verge of a mental breakdown.

_What's it doing? _

"She's not-never mind. I can't get a clear picture on her. Something's wrong. Very wrong."

The Author doesn't need to turn around to know that her boss is behind her. He smells like cigarette smoke mixed with wet fur. It makes her want to gag, but she doesn't. That would only make it worse.

_What do you mean _wrong?

"She's freaking out. I've never seen her this bad."

_Are you positive? Look closer._

* * *

They've never been this bad before. Never ever ever!

_-Wake Up!-_

_-Make me your-_

_-Stop-_

_-Gone and-_

_-Think I've got it- _

_-It's not even there-_

Make it stop. Make it all stop. Please. Please. I press my hands to the side of my head. Voices are pounding against one another, slamming into the walls of my skull. I've never heard so many at once before. God! I can't fucking do this! _Please! PLEASE! PLEASE JUST SHUT UP! PLEASE! _

I ball my knees up to my chest, rocking back and forth. No no _no no_ too many too much-

_-I wanted more than this- _

_-Your OTP can suck my dick-_

_-God!- _

_-Bloody sodding-_

I'm crying. I don't know what to do. Just make it all go away, even for a little bit.

_-Bleed them out.- _

_-Bleed them all out.-_

_-Just one small line. Do it.-_

No. I'm not going to listen to them. But they get louder and louder, like a swarm of wasps, and I barely hear it when messages me.

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!] **

**FFN: Hey! It's time to step up and y'know, put machines in my house. **

**FFN: Or something. **

**FFN: This game is tough :(: **

**YTB: ehy. **

**YTB: srry. shit's tough right now. **

**FFN: Oh my goodness, language! **

**FFN: How've you been doing? **

**FFN: You haven't hit on me lately, which is weird, because you usually can't keep your virtual mitts off me. I mean, I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering where you've been. **

Are you fucking kidding SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!

**YTB; mhm. **

**FFN: Yeah. So...uh wow, those meteors are getting really close, and my sister isn't home, and I'm starting to think she might be...gone. For good. **

**YTB: sucks. **

**FFN: Yeah! And the meteors are getting really close to my house, and I'm on the roof right now, and all the houses around mine are on fire. **

**FFN: I'm kind of scared. A little. **

**YTB: sorry din catch that**

_-Gone and splinched my entire arm off-You can be the greatest-Split milk liar-Honey?-Baby?-Can you hear me-Rain's falling-_

**FFN: GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE MY HOUSE LIGHTS UP LIKE DIE HARD. **

**YTB: k jeez funf **

Ignoring the pounding of the voices in my skull, I open up the server player software. When it finally loads to FFN's house, I drag-and-drop the two goddamn machines, then start messing around with his stuff. I click on the bathtub, then send it crashing down to the first floor, followed by the toilet.

**FFN: YOUTUBE. **

**FFN: WHAT'RE YOU DOING. **

**FFN: YOUTUBE. **

**FFN: STAHP. **

**YTB: make me, mothetgsvuigthn**

**FFN: Easy on the rage spasms. **

**FFN: Gosh Darnit, you've wrecked the carpet. Yuck. It makes sounds when I step on it. **

**YTB: sucks **

I rub my temples, and watch as engages in a talk with his cousin Ficwad about what the machines do.

When he finally gets one working enough to spit out a sapphire cylinder, he does this completely geeky little victory jig, setting it on the second machine right away.

_-Kill him. Kill them all.-_

_-Not worth it-_

_-DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!-_

Ugh. Like I seriously need this.

WOULD YOU ALL JUST CRAM IT?

**FFN: Hey. Youtube. You still there? **

**FFN: A meteor's headed right for my house. It's huge. **

**YTB: how big?**

**FFN: Does it matter? **

**FFN: "The Meteor headed right for my house is the size of Texas." **

**FFN: OH NOOO. **

**FFN: "The Meteor headed right for my house is the size of Australia." **

**FFN: OH NOOO. **

**YTB: lemme try**

**YTB: "The meteor headed right for your house is the size of your sister's dick." **

**YTB: OH SHIT SON WHAT NOW? **

**FFN: :'(: **

One of the machines spits out a glowing dark blue sphere. Almost unthinkingly, I click on a Naruto poster and drag it into the sphere.

Almost immediately it begins to flash, stretching out into a humanoid shape.

**FFN: AHAHHHHH! WHYYYY! I LOVED THAT POSTER! **

**FFN: And now I've got a Narutosprite. **

**FFN: Thanks. NOT. **

**FFN: Do you have any IDEA how many times I'll have to listen to "Believe it!"? **

**YTB: add something else thewn. **

**FFN: Fine. I want my sprite to be sugoi desu, though. **

**YTB: Avatar fanart? **

**FFN: No questions from you. Maybe one of my stories too?**

I watch as FFN rips off some art_-SHUT UP! GOD!- _from his wall. Sure, he can look down on his cousin for her massive amounts of band-related Fan shit, but that boy cranks out just as much on the nights he can't sleep. He writes fics to go with them, too. What an idiot. FFN throws the poster into Narutosprite, changing the shape of it, and tosses the first fic he gets his hands on. His expression turns to one of surprise, then horror.

**FFN: Uh. **

**FFN: I think I added the wrong story. **

**YTB: o rly **

**FFN: Yeah. Whoops. **

**FFN: Well. Meet Interrobanaraangsprite. **

**YTB: jezo wut a mothful **

Interrobanaraangsprite looks like a animetard's wet dream despite having a name that's nigh unpronounceable. He's got the arrow on his forehead, and he's got Naruto's cat whisker marks. He's got more arrows on his hands and running down his arms, and he seems to glow blue, right down to that gay-ass headband.

Fanfiction's delighted, but he needs to focus.

**YTB: HEY! LISTEN! **

**FFN: OMG He looks so cool! **

**YTB: stfu and focus**

**YTB: your cylinder thing should be donw by nof. **

The second machine's carved the cylinder into a sword in the stone. The meaning's pretty fucking clear, and Pretty Boy here don't waste no time. Wrapping both hands on the sword, he screams out a goodbye, which could be like a 'SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!'

I don't know, though.

The sword comes out without a hitch, and light emanates from the entire stone, engulfing FFN's almost-on-fire suburban milk carton.

Then he's gone. I'm the only person left on the face of the earth.

Grimly enough, I start to download the SBURB software.


	10. YT: Go tearing through the forest

**SELECT CHARACTER: **

**=== YOUTUBE**

**=== FICWAD **

**===POTTERMORE**

That was a trick question. You have no control over this story. Let's get a complete an utter smorgasbord of characters, because this obviously isn't confusing enough.

* * *

_-Which one are we again?-_

I'm Youtube, god damn it! What kind of voice forgets their own...never mind.

I've got Ficwad as my server player, and she's already dropped a couple machines into my house. But God Damn, that girl does NOT _stop talking._ She's a constant stream of noise, and between her and my own head sound I can't hear myself think.

She prattles on about the most useless things, too. Like her Sprite. Oh my God, girl, I do not actually give a fuck! Shut up! Nobody cares how shit it is!

Guess who messages me out of the blue, too? Pottermore. URGH.

**[Pottermore (PM) messaged Youtube (YTB)!] **

**PM: Are you there, dear? **

**YTB: wat **

**PM: Urm. Uh. **

**PM: It's just that...**

**YTB: spit it out alreay jsesus fuck**

**PM: I was just wondering if you're okay and all. **

**PM: What with the apocalypse being nigh and all. **

**YTB: dude ive lived in the middle of the fucking wilderness for 16 years**

**YTB: think i can handle a meteor shower. **

**PM: It's just. **

**PM: I wanted to make sure you're alright. And okay. **

**PM: Because I'm your friend. **

**YTB: look i dont exactyly have time to listen to u chatter**

**YTB: elready puttin up with FW's bs **

**YTB: so if ur playing the **

**YTB: i needed to check up on you card **

**YTB: thean go far fuckin away.**

**PM: Oh. **

**PM: I'm sorry. Didn't mean to make you angry. I hope you feel better soon, dear! **

God. That boy. He's been acting weird for about three weeks now. Always fucking inarticulate with his diction now. The dear thing is new, too. Whatevs, not like it means anything or will come back to bite me in the ass later.

I put on some music to help me think, mostly to drown out Ficwad's incessant static and my own issues.

"YOUTU_UUU_UUBE!" Ficwad shrieks. I've got her on speaker from my handheld, so it sounds like I'm in the middle of an argument with a prepubescent Stephen Hawking. "What?!" I snap.

"Youtube, you're not listening! You've got so much shit to do! Oh-Em-Eff-Gee-Way!" Ficwad whines. I imagine wringing her neck for about four seconds.

"What do I have to do?" I ask.

"Switch on the Cruxtruder-it gives you cruxite dowels, which you'll need later. Do it now! Do it now!"

"Would you relax? I've seen enough HS fanvids to know what I need to do," I retort, sliding over to switch on the big machine. I know what a fucking Cruxtruder is, thanks. It's the one with the cylinder. I wait for it to spit out a dowel as Ficwad sends a few more messages my way. Ignoring Ficwad before her dyslexia rubs off on me, I quickly pick up the dowel-Emerald-and get it onto the Alchemiter without anyone being nonethewiser.

My cruxtruder spits out the sprite egg thing. What to add?

My entire house comes with me into the Medium, so it's not like I'll lose anything.

Except...

Oh Shit._ SHIT! _

I glance out the window. Meteors have set the forest on fire, making everything look like an apocalypse flick. I have to go out there. I have to go. I have to go out there.

I straighten my sweater, pulling the green fabric down over the scars on my hands and bunching it up around my neck.

"Youtube. Darling. Daughter. Where Are You Going?" my dad asks from behind me.

"I'll be right back, dad."

"I Do Not Want You Hurt."

"Dad, listen, I'll be fine. Everything'll be okay." I'm trying to soothe him despite the fact that I can barely think, and it's a total lie, too, but it gets me out of the house.

The door swings open, and I take one step outside. The smoke makes my eyes sting, and I'm coughing, trying to get oriented.

A meteor lands close to my right, and I duck my head down. A wave of dirt and heat hits my side. I'm not on fire, but the side of my house is.

"DAD!" I scream.

There's no answer.

"Dad...?"

My lungs are burning with smoke already, and I still have to get to the cave. If I get what I go for, I can save the house and dad, but if I leave my dad in there, then he could die. And I can't lose him. He's not a very good parent, but he's all I got.

I pull my sweater up to cover my nose and mouth, tucking my hair into the collar. Burn victim is not something I want on my resumé. Gritting my teeth, I run back into the house, eyes watering, fire on my left and right. Huh. So this is what it's like to be a firefighter.

The machines on my left and right are whirring and clicking, and my dad's lying on his side. I don't know if he's breathing. "Dad!" I grab onto his shoulders and roll him over. There's a seeping scalp wound, and his glasses are cracked, and I don't know if he's okay.

I've sweat through my sweater in the first three minutes, big dark circles stretching down to my hips. Voices in my head start chanting, the same stuff over and over again, and I'm crying and choking, goddammit dad wake up, and I've got him under the arms and I'm dragging him back to my room, which is furthest away from the fire. "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer," I tell him, but his eyes are unfocussed and he could already be brain dead, so who cares, right, it's just a stupid joke.

_-Fiver says she dies-_

_-Motherfucker, are you listening to me?-_

_-KILL THE SUIT! KILL THE SUIT! KILL THE-_

_-You gotta look her in the eye-_

_-Not strong enough-_

_-TILL I COLLAPSE!-_

I shake my head, hoping that'll clear them out. Then I'm back out the door and tearing through the fire forest. I leap over a fallen tree, and I'm trying to tuck my hair in through my sweater, and I think I might just die from smoke inhalation.

_-Take it off.- _

_-Make it all go away.- _

The cave seems like a dark spot of safety in all the red and orange. The air seems clearer in here too. Snagging up my copy of The Great Gatsby, I stuff it down the front of my sweater. My handheld is letting off incoming message pings over and over. I wonder what Ficwad thinks about this little fucking trip? Like I give a damn.

It's not that far. It's not that far. You made it here. Not that hard to get back. C'mon, you. Move your ass.

I dash out, and trees are actually starting to fucking fall over, just snapping right in half, and I'm scared.

Y'know when you're outside by yourself, and it's dark, and you feel scared, even though there's nothing to be afraid of? That sick goddamn sinking feeling that you _-Can't get out of your head?-_ and even though you've walked this path_-One thousand motherfucking times!-_you still feel like something is following you, and_-You can't escape-_

My inner voices _-May or May not-_ blending with reality. I am so outta here.

I leap over a fallen tree, but my sweater sleeve heats up.

The worst pain I've ever experienced was when I fell out of a tree and onto a wasp's nest. The general sprains combined with cherry-red welts set me yowling. But this is an entire new league of pain. And just like the wasps, it doesn't stop in one place. The pain of being burned to this degree is an entire new level of suck.

Stop, Drop, and Roll is more useful than I can explain, but the fire spread too quickly, and my entire right arm and a quarter of my chest are in agony. It hurts to even move them. It's worse to breathe. I start crying, just fucking weeping, because this is some serious _Saving Private Ryan bullshit_ here. And I'm just a kid. Like, what am I supposed to do?

_-Give up. Just give up.-_

...No. I'm not doing that. Anything but give up.

Sliding onto my knees. Then up. I take it one step at a time, then I'm through the door of my house, Gatsby still under my sweater.

My house is no longer on fire, apparently it just burned right the hell out, and my dad is lying flat on the charred floor, asleep. Huh. Weirder and weirder shit is going down.

My sprite egg is bouncing along the ceiling, and I toss the first thing I see, which is a kitten statue that my dad got to commemorate some stupid thing that every kid does. Like learn to read. Seriously, who gives a fuck?

But cute cats are pretty much the best thing ever.

My new sprite guide floats down from the ceiling. It's just a Catsprite. Nothing to see here, folks.

My Cruxite dowel's been carved already, too, and it probably finished while I was tear-assing through forest fires like a mentally retarded Smokey the Bear. But _Holy fucking hell. _

It's my dad. My Cruxite dowel's carved to look like my fucking _dad. _

I glance over, and he's still asleep on the carpet, then back to the green statue of him. No way. What the fuck is this shit? Jesus. Am I supposed to destroy it?

I do the only thing that seems natural. I can't kill my dad, so I step forward and wrap my arms around the statue.

A crack starts in the head of the statue, then spreads all the way down, bright light spilling out of the dad-statue. I shut my eyes, but it still turns my eyelids white.

_-Is this it?- _

It seems to go on forever, but once the light subsides, I open my eyes, and the statue's head is cracked wide open. My dad is still asleep, and all of a sudden, I feel pretty fuckin' fatigued myself. Wandering down the hallway, I kick open my door to my room that's the size of a goddamn broom closet and fall asleep before I hit the floor.


	11. END ACT ONE

**{END OF ACT ONE.}**

_-Congratulations. You have made it to the end of the first Act. Just to Recap, here's what you missed: Earth is now destroyed due to a video game called "SBURB", being run, and it's only survivors are four teenagers. The four teens are pretty much horrible people themselves. But don't worry. They will all die eventually.- _

* * *

On Prospit, Youtube's dream self opens her eyes for the first time. Her room is a mirror image of the one she had on Earth, tiny and cramped. Everything is made of either yellow brick, yellow plastic, or yellow glass.

Wandering to the window, she tries not to care about the yellow pant-shirt matching _thing_ she's wearing, but quite likes the light blue shoes.

Her window gives a view of something big and blue. Skaia's clouds slide slowly, reflecting. Youtube notices a bright flash of red and the outline of glasses, but it feels like cheating to know this beforehand.

She can't find the door out of her room, so she jumps out the window. She floats, flies, screaming joy, stopping dead short of Skaia, when she realizes how quiet things are.

Floating back to the ground, Youtube tries to think of what's different.

She can't hear the voices. They can't reach her here.

Everything is quiet. Beautifully, quaintly quiet. No anger. No hate. Just her own thoughts.

Looking around at the crowd of aliens she's unwittingly touched down in front of, she pulls the sleeves of her dress over her hands, looks to the ground.

The inhabitants of Prospit are crablike, blank little carapaces who pass no judgement. They reach out, dragging Youtube's arms out of her sleeves. The stark whiteness of their shells match Youtube's skin. Her red irises are not looked down upon. They run their stubby three-fingered hands over the scars on her hands, looking concerned and curious. They don't say anything, but they make clicking sounds, running hands over Youtube's scars, her eyelids, her matching-skin.

And she cries. She cries and she can't make herself stop.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a galaxy, far, far away, a conversation is had between two people.

"I just don't think this is a good idea," says the first one. She has blue hair, and the empty frames of her glasses rest on her nose.

"What other options do we have?" asks the second softly. His shaggy brown hair hangs in his face, and his glasses are prescription. He is leaning against a tree.

"We'll figure something out. There's always something. Always. Like how in Once Upon A Time and Doctor Who they always manage to find each other. There's _always_ other options," says the girl, biting her nails.

The boy looks at her. "What's Doctor Who?"

_"What?!_ After _all this_, you still haven't seen Doctor Who? What the _fuck_ is wrong with you, you moron?!" she shrieks, exploding into rage at a moment's notice.

The boy raises his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay, calm down," he says, then starts to smile. "No need to do an acrobatic pirouette off the fucking handle."

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Always the fucking Homestuck references with you."

There's a silence. Neither is willing to take the lead on this.

"Our session's doomed. We know that. Hashtag: Dead for Reals," says the girl.

"No kidding. We hass no knight. But this one does."

"Don't say 'hass'. It's _so_ 2006."

"Think it through, though. If we combine sessions, we have a chance. They don't have a space player, and we do," the boy says, pushing his glasses up further up his face. The girl nods. As the Space player, she can't really correct him. Besides, his theory's sound.

"Fine. Have it your way. We contact them. But it'll screw up. Trust me."

Content at having the final word, the girl clicks her heels together, activating the built-in rockets she installed in her thigh-high stockings. They took a lot of goddamn grist to make, but they are really really cool.

Or, at least, they make the user feel really, really cool.

The boy watches the girl go spiraling away. He gives a half-hearted wave, but she doesn't wave back. He didn't really expect her to, but it sort of feels nice.


	12. FW: Make an Alliance

Here's something somebody (that motherfuckin' somebody being _Pottermore)_ forgot to give me the delirious bizznasty on. The thing you combine your sprite egg with also becomes what your enemies resemble. So when the monsters in The Medium attack your treehouse, they all look like Fretardsprite. Except toothier. And meaner.

And they're made of glittery rainbow shit, like my Cruxite towels. Fuck. _DOWELS._ It's not a speech impediment, okay. God.

So basically, I'm facing down a huge fucking horde of glittery, two-headed, lazy-eyed poor-ass anatomy monsters varying in size. And I can't even make my fucking escape out the windows because there is literally nothing outside. The Medium is a fucking void. It's just my treehouse, and a little patch of land for my treehouse to stand on. Then nothing.

So I'm pretty much accurately in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere surrounded by monsters, and trying to get through something called a gate which is way up in the fucking sky (at least, I think it's the sky, because everything's the same goddamn color of inky fucking blackness so I've no clue). And guess what? I have literally no idea how to get up there, or what to do, or where to go.

**[Ficwad (FW) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**FW: okey so**

**FW: now what?**

**PM: You in the Medium, pigeon?**

**FW: yeh**

**PM: So get out.**

I nearly kill my computer. Gee, that's super helpful! A poorly-built Imp starts shambling towards me, and I boot it across the room into a wall. It literally bursts on impact, shattering into a shower of shiny stuff. A blue shiny rolls near my feet and I pick it up. It's about the size of a hazelnut. Before I can get a closer look at it, it vanishes. Just ecaporates. EV. AH. POR. ATES. There we go.

I scoop up the res of the shinies and they just poof away too. What the hell.

**PM: So there's a Grist Cache.**

**PM: We're all pooling Grist there to use TOGETHER AS A TEAM.**

**PM: My idea.**

**FW: So is that where my shinys are going or wut?**

**PM: Yep :)**

**PM: So take some Grist and make yourself a Punch Designix.**

**FW: Why? nobody cares about the specifies of how i play the dam game.**

**PM: First off, yes they do too, it shows attention to detail.**

**PM: Second, dam game. :)**

**FW: oh. heh. okay.**

The Punch Designix is installed by yours truly on top of a couple of totally nasty little basilisks. It looks like a piano. Basically, according to the internet, it lets you put a capchalogue card into...y'know what? This shizz is giving me a headache, and I don't really care to explain it. Just know that I'm following this stupid procedure within an inch of it's life and I am going to Alchemize some serious good stuff. Seriously, nobody cares about me installing more machines into my house.

But basically, it's awesome. Just like me.

The first thing I want to do is get myself some awesome weapons. Like, I've got these really old rifles, called One-Shots and Two-shots. Blocky as hell. Ugly as sin. Always jam. No flow. Et cetera.

BUT I can combine them with a few things, like my MCR poster, and I'll get a new gun. And I really, really, want a new gun. So I just jump in and start kicking major ass. I know I'm a vegetarian, but these things will kill me unless I kill them first. Even though I like, never pay attention to cousin FP, I am so fucking glad I know how to snap necks. My computer pings after about fifteen minutes of solid carnage, and I chase all the beasties back to check my messages.

**PM: Okay, the Grist just spiked a ton. That you, pigeon?**

**FW: READY AND ACCOUNTED FOR! IMA GET WEAPPONS!**

I quickly do a combination doohickey and make Headfirst for Headshots, a totes awesome sniper rifle. Get it? GET IT?! _HEADSHOTS INSTEAD OF HALOS JUST LIKE MCR YOU GUYS!_

And since there's still like a shit ton of grist left I make some awesome custom armor from an old knight costume and more MCR shit. Bulletproof Heartguard. I look like Tron, but purple and black and red lines on my armored wrists. Sweet. I even built in my computer to the Heartguard helmet. Since I took grist, I must put grist back, so I just get right back to work. Blast the head off a toothy little guy and shove my foot down the throat of another. No idea how to get out of The Medium yet, and then guess who shows up? Fretardsprite. And it looks like he figured out the whole talking thing.

"Furkwerd! Mernsters!" he shouts, banging his head on the ceiling.

"Yeah, I know! Dealing with it!"

"Ferkwerd! Erm Scared!" Fretardsprite wails. Ugh. "If you're scared, see if you can find a way outta here, got it?" I shout, swinging Headfirst around in an arc to smash the face in of a snake-like little number. Bodies are really starting to pile up.

"Urkay! Lerve you!"

What? "...Love you too. Retard," I mutter. Fretardsprite floats through the window, analyzing the treehouse. I don't think he heard my last remark.

A message pops up on the corner of my visor.

Huh. I don't think I know this person. Like, at all.

**[? (DA) messaged Ficwad Dot-Net (FW)!]**

**DA: Konichiwa, Ficwad-chan!**

**FW: what even. who are you.**

**DA: ~(^u^)~**

**FW: don't help much, random girl.**

**FW: or boy. whatevs.**

**DA: Hee hee!**

**DA: My name is...**

**DA: Imoto-Genki Kokoro-Miko Yume Doki Doki!**

**FW: what the fuck no way.**

**FW: im Ficwad.**

**DA: Ohayo Ficwad! Can I be ur patron player for this super-sugoi game?**

**FW: wut is a patron playa yo.**

**DA: Hee hee! OuO**

**DA: A patron player is somebody who helps out another player in another session!**

**DA: It's watashi if u want to continue at this game.**

**I pause, monster in my grip trying to break out of my stranglehold.**

**Help would be good. Help would be excellent. But do I want her help?**

**FW: sounds good. my sprite's completely useless, and my server's busy.**

**DA: Hee hee! Arigato, Ficwad-chan!**

**DA: (=OwO=)**

**FW: dat a kitty face. look at the kitty face.**

**DA: Kawaii, ne?**

**FW: so motherfucking kawaii.**

**DA: EEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!**

**DA: Let's be bestus friends desu!**

**FW: hahaha lolz sure.**

**FW: wait. gimme a name. Because that lolita shit is totes not it.**

**DA: ;n;**

**DA: My birth name is DeviantArt. Maid of heart.**

**FW: that so hard?**

**DA: Ganbatte, Ficwad-chan. Ja-ne!**

I have no idea what that chick was saying half the time, But whatever, y'know? "Pull up message!" I say, and my chat screen comes back up.

**[Ficwad Dot-Net (FW) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**FW: so how do i do the out thang**

**PM: I'm so sorry! I've been neglecting you!**

**PM: Here, I'll build some floors on to your treehouse so you can reach the gate easier.**

There's this series of crashes, like something dropping, and I'm thinking, _Oh great, more machines._ Looking out the window, Pottermore's tacked on several more floors of the same freaking treehouse. It's trippy, and I sort of want a portal gun now.

I swing my body out the window, and start climbing up.

"Ferkwerd Clermb! Me clermb too!" Fretardsprite burbles, floating around me.

"Oh, shut up," I snap, aiming with one hand to blow the head off an imp that looked at me sideways. My legs start cramping, and the branches seem to be really far apart. But I can't choke now. So I keep climbing, and I make it to the top floor of my stacktreehouse. Accomplishment makes me feel light, which is weird, because I don't know how close I am to the gate. Man, it's dark. Oooh, look, a shape!

Oh, fuck, shape with giant mouth!

"Ogre!" I scream, although nobody can really hear me. The ogre is really glittery and pretty and rainbowy. I bet it holds a ton of grist, but that thing is freaking enormous!

"Oh, balls!" I shout, holding up my rifle. Maybe that'll scare it off.

No dice. The ogre roars, beady eye fixing on me.

"Oh, balls!" I shout again, taking aim.

The ogre raises a fist to smack me to paste.

_"OH, BALLS!"_

The shot goes true, right into the eye. I run and jump onto the ogre while it's blinded, climbing upwards, uneven skin giving me enough space to clamber, and right into the jelly of it's eye, and start shooting. Shooting, hacking, anything, just kill it!

And then it dies, exploding into a shit ton of grist.

I collect it all, and receive some happy messages from the rest of my team. I step over and let Pottermore add the rest of the floors to get me up to the gate. But right before I go through, DA messages me again.

**[Deviant Art (DA) messaged Ficwad Dot-Net (FW)!]**

**DA: Arigato Ficwad-chan!**

**DA: We are BFFSIES, ja ne?**

**FW: okay, sure**

**DA: SUPER MEGA GOSSIP TIMEEE!**

**FW: whoa alright then.**

**DA: ugh ugh ugh nobody in my session's even CLOSE to my age.**

**DA: WE ARE PRACTICALLY TWINS OKAY!**

**FW: Enfusiasm!**

**FW: wait, fuck. Enthusiasm***

**DA: So you are Sylph of Doom and Derse dreamer b/c you are super deep!**

**DA: I am Prospit because I am super duper positive!**

**FW: You think I'm deep?**

**DA: No! The game does!**

**DA: Can I tell you a secret?**

**FW: aight.**

**DA: My session's only in contact with yours b/c we need a knight to breed frogs.**

**FW: What the actual fuck are you talking about.**

**DA: ALL WILL BECOME CLEAR IN THE LIGHT OF SKAIA. HAIL THE HORRORTERRORS! (*u*)**

And then I hop through the gate because this girl is fucking terrifying.


	13. FFN: Make an Enemy

_**I AM ALWAYS WATCHING YOU.**_

It's calligraphed on my living room wall with permanent marker. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it's probably my older sister. Which means she's alive. My sister's okay.

She's also in the house and will probably kill me when she sees the upstairs carpet, then dig me up and kill me again once she figures out I may have destroyed the world. And then she'll raise me from the dead and kill me a third time when she realizes that she can't actually reach Ficwad from here. So I am, at this point, in a lot of trouble. But all things considered, Fanfiction Dot-net and family are safely in The Medium. The Medium's actually terrifying. There's legit nothing out there. Just a void.

But to keep myself entertained, I've started combining things. It's become an option in my sylladex, and Pottermore got the idea to combine Grist _AS A TEAM_ so we pretty much always have the ability to make stuff. So I just go nuts.

Why, yes, I will combine this and that to make a horrendous monstrosity! Why, yes, I will mix Starbursts and NyQuil! Why, yes, I will mix action figures with barbie dolls to create what looks like pre-operation transgendered village people wannabes!

For future reference, the Sylladex I own recognizes the NyQuil-Starbursts amalgamation as, and I quote, "Cherry Berry Drug-induced Coma Bursts!"

I honestly can't wait to eat them.

My Supernatural box set gets thrown together with my nicest clothes to create "The Supernatural Good-Looker."

But enough about medical-issue causing sugar stuffs and my totally sweet new clothes. My sister is in my house, and I need better weapons because my house is quickly filling up with beasts. Which is totally an issue because they are eating stuff they should not be eating, like the drywall. And, oh, ME.

One more quick problem. Interobanaraangsprite should be the best sidekick, seeing as he's made of a ninja and has elemental control and is made of my own prose, but he's such a _pain._ He's the worst sidekick ever. He's perfectly happy to just run through a crowd of monsters and leave me on cleanup crew. And not just, like, _run_-run. He doesn't stop moving. He doesn't stop talking. He talks so fast, that most of the time I don't know what he's even saying. It's just a cacophony with a few catchphrases thrown in.

I select my Pen-sword from my sylladex. It's time to make a super-sugoi weapon choice combination.

There's a sudden screech, and Interobanaraangsprite tosses a monster out the window. He lets out a war whoop, and just dives into the sea of gnashing teeth. "Hey, Interobander...Intero...Banana! What should I cross my Pen-sword with?" I call, kicking a bug-eyed monster in the face to keep him from ripping a hole in my sneakers.

"Prefarbsolunemy?! Ka-chow!" Naraangsprite shouts, throwing elbows and blocks like they're going out of style and he's got storehouses full of them. See what I mean?

"You know what I mean, right?"

"UNH! Tondowsnarchi! WHOO-HOO!"

"Can you slow down? I don't know what you're saying!"

Interobanaraangsprite rolls his eyes, and goes at the slowest speed he can, which is the equivalent of an angry Gordon Ramsay.

"Well! If! You're! Going! To! Just! Stand! While! Donoth! Whipwhine! About! How! Hard! It! Is! Then! Maybe! You! Should! _SHUT UP!"_

What a jerk! Bananasprite clearly doesn't need my help. He's tearing monsters apart all by himself.

Well, I'll show him! Stupid anime-sugoi-tastic idiot thinks he can do it all, huh? Well then. I'm here to play.

I take a running leap, landing on the skull of a basilisk-looking thing that shatters with a _crunch!_ and push off, flipping over several other enemies, and dig through a cabinet. It's in here somewhere, I just know it.

When I finally find my Dance Dance Revolution game system, something's got a firm grip on my ankle. No big deal, I'm going to tear him up in about three seconds, beat that Interobanaraangsprite. You little pain in the butt.

The alchemization of pretty much every darn thing in my sylladex goes smoothly. I combine my pen-sword with Dance Dance Revolution, which makes the Mosh Jot Strife Rapier, an ancient name that I just gave it now. It even comes with a headset.

I need something to answer my messages, too, and I don't want to kill the headset, which is basically just a guide to tell me where to put my feet, and it comes with a free eyescreen. Basically, if I kill a monster with my feet in the right spot, I get more Grist. Hand spots count as doubles, and the higher foot and hand touch combinations I get, guess what? _More Grist!_

I kick off the little bleeder that's trying to chew through my socks, and ask the only girl who could help me, carefully holding onto my laptop.

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**FFN: YO! YOUTUBE! WHERE ARE YOU LOCATED?!**

**YTB: ugh just say where u at**

**FFN: That's cool.**

**FFN: Listen, I need music for my new weapon. The Mosh Jot Strife Rapier.**

**YTB: U CAME TO DA GIRL FOR THAT!**

**YTB: Dun worry, ill give you a sick playlist**

**FFN: And I need something to manage my messages. Help?**

**YTB: Y U NO READ DA RULES?**

**FFN: I don't need rules. Help me before I get eaten.**

**YTB: npbadsfa a;lsdkfjasl;dfkjasdlfkjaroh;tFUCK**

**FFN: Language. God.**

**YTB: i am da language god**

**YTB: try combining your computer with glases or somethi**

**FFN: Thanks!**

**YTB: And heres ut platlist:**

And cue outgoing link.

**FFN: WHOOP! Thanks!**

**FFN: Anyway, Interobanaraangsprite's preparing to eat me, so I have to go. Do stuff.**

**YTB: k cool pve out**

As awesome as screen-glasses sound, I think fingerless gloves would be a better choice. So after kick-stomping my way to the closet, I get my sister's pair of fingerless gloves. They fit me. They're women's. It's no big deal. Guys wear women's clothes all the time. The dark blue and black stripes even match my outfit.

Easy peasy. The computer gloves sync up with my Mosh Jot Strife, too.

"Yo! Shinobi! Donplytoll!" Interobanaraangsprite calls. He's put up with a lot already.

I set up Mosh Jot Strife to track 4. It's crazy awesome.

**YTB: hop u like the musics i set it to cater to ir shitty msuic tastesd**

**FFN: Is this voice recognition?**

**FFN: Oh, sweet! It's like Christmas!**

**FFN: Hi! Awesome! Whoop! Echo!**

**YTB: y am i freinds with u?**

**FFN: Dunno. And-ERK!-first off, do not insult my excellent music taste.**

**FFN: And second, LANGUAGE!**

A handprint shows up in the lens on the ceiling. I run, take the leap, tag the handprint, slice the head off a snake, get both the footprints on the table, then roll into a crouch, slicing open an ogre that looks like a tank. The kitchen is a mess of grist, and I scoop it up quickly.

"Beat that, Bananasprite!" I shout. He replies by cracking his knuckles, going back to wrenching open enemies with his bare hands and unleashing all-new fists of fury.

But then _guess who shows up to ruin it all?_

Fictionpress hits me on the blind side, knocking me down, but I'm awake enough to parry her next hit. She lunges, trying too hard, and I knock her pen-sword up and out of my way.

Wait, wait, wait. What am I doing?

"Fictionpress! YOU'RE ALIVE!" I am dangerously close to a shriek.

"You're so _dead!"_ my sister snarls. I jump forward, catching her in a hug. "Let go, little bro!" Fictionpress tries to disentangle me at first, but then resorts to just slapping me in the face. That knocks me off, and sends me sprawling to the floor, knocking out another enemy with my fabulous bum.

"Did you know how worried I've been? Halfway through getting to Ficwad's, I learn that something's happening here, so I have to turn around and come all the way back-"

"You're okay! That's so great! I'm so happy!"

_"Shut up!_ And I come around and turn all the way back to find that you're taking the house, and me, I might add, to some godforsaken void in the middle of nowhere-"

"You keep trying to pick a fight, but I'm just happy you're alive!"

I go in for another hug.

"...Please stop hugging me. You are scaring the monsters," intones my sister.

"I'm scaring them ironically."

My sister shakes me off. Interobanaraangsprite clears his throat. "What, do you want a hug too?" my sister asks, tensing her arms. He shakes his head so hard I think he could break his own neck.

"Good. Not much of a hugging person."

A new message pops up on my left goggle screen. "Go ahead and take it, little bro. We've got this," my sister says, hearing the ping.

While I compose an answer, they leap into the sea of monsters, pen-sword flashing, and arrows glowing.

**[? ? ? ? ? ? (TMB) messaged Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN)!]**

**TMB: kay so my friends and i are playing hs**

**TMB: and im givin you the #insidetrack because you seem okay**

**TMB: for a boy**

**FFN: Okay. Uh, listen, I don't know you.**

**FFN: Can I get a name?**

**TMB: i dont like my!name**

**TMB: names shouldnt define who you are**

**FFN: Y'know what? I totally get that. That sounds totally legit.**

**TMB: finally first person to get that ever**

**FFN: You must hang out with some pretty shallow people.**

**TMB: yeah theyre all pretty much ableist!sexists and aren't cool with who i am**

**FFN: That sucks :(:**

**FFN: Oh, wow, my voice recognition picks up smileys!**

**FFN: That's weird and unexplainable.**

**FFN: See, the second set of dots is supposed to represent my snakebite piercings!**

**TMB: #awesome i love sensitive guys with face rings!**

**TMB: so you into yaois or what**

**FFN: Heck yes! Who isn't?!**

**TMB: ohhh i get it now ;)**

**FFN: What?**

**TMB: whats your fleet**

**FFN: Ooh! Too broad! Pick a fandom!**

**FFN: (And technically, it's a Navy, but I'll let it slide.)**

**TMB: harry potter?**

**FFN: I ship basically everything, so you might want to sit down.**

**TMB: #toocool im so glad im patron playing you**

**TMB: i ship everything too were the same but i dont think canons important**

**TMB: you still there**

**TMB: helloooo**

**FFN: What did you just say to me.**

**TMB: canons not!important**

**FFN: Do you have any idea how wrong you are?**

**FFN: You've entered a whole new level of wrong.**

**FFN You're in the Twilight Zone of wrong.**

**TMB: #ohmygod dont take it so personally**

**FFN: Don't take it personally?**

**FFN: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY?**

**FFN: THIS IS SHIPPING. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD!**

**TMB: yeah agreed but canons still not important**

**FFN: EVERY SHIP. IN EVERY FORM. IS IMPORTANT.**

**FFN: HOW DENSE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?!**

**TMB: dont attack me because i believe in something you dont you communist asshole**

**FFN: Language! God!**

**TMB: dont take gods name in vain people could find it offensive**

**TMB: please check your privilege**

**FFN: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!**

**FFN: Y'KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU, YOU HARPY WHO HAS NO CONCEPT OF SHIPPING AND PROBABLY SHIPS LIKE, GINNY/HARRY OR SOMETHING.**

**TMB: DONT THRASH THE SHIPS AND DONT HATE!ME**

**TMB: I WAS SHIPPING BEFORE IT WAS COOL OKAY**

**TMB: YOURE OBVIOUSLY STUPID AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT**

**FFN: I HATE YOU! SO! MUCH!**

**TMB: I HATE YOU MORE! FUCK YOU! IM NOT HELPING YOU!**

**FFN: THAT'S FANTASTIC! GOOD DAY! I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!**

By the time I'm done yelling at the mystery person, every one else in the room is staring at me. Blood drips off the edge of of my sister's pen-sword. Interobanaraangsprite has a firm hold on a struggling little imp, but he's staring at me. "What? What y'all looking at? IT'S PERFECTLY _NORMAL_ TO_ FREAK OUT_ EVERY NOW AND THEN!" I scream. Everything takes a step back.

My palm vibrates. New message. God, if it's that mystery shipper again...

**[? ? ? ? ? (HSG) messaged (FFN)!]**

**HSG: Bro. Bro. Did you just piss off Tumblr?**

**FFN: Oh, great. Are you her boyfriend are something?**

**HSG: implying I'd smack that**

**FFN: Ew. No. Trigger warning, please.**

**HSG: Hue Hue Hue. God, you guys are literally the same person. Trigger warnings.**

**FFN: So Tumblr was the girl I pissed off?**

**HSG: Yes. Bro, she is such a bitch. I love you. She's a straightlaced little prude and she's so pissed off at you. It's beautiful.**

**HSG: If you weren't such a little fag I'd patron play you.**

**FFN: Uh...I'm not gay.**

**HSG: Keep telling yourself that. Whatever helps you sleep at night.**

**HSG: Besides, we all know why you've got you've got the snakebites. I mean, hello?**

**FFN: What. I'm not gay. I'm strictly hetero.**

**HSG: We're asking every hetero to get to know us better, oh, it's not just for gays anymore!**

**HSG: Maybe you're just latent gay.**

**FFN: I'm not gay!**

**HSG: Then why the piercings? Got a tongue to match?**

**FFN: O / / / / / O**

**FFN: I think I understand what you're saying. Please tell me it doesn't mean what I think it means.**

**HSG: Implying that you wouldn't enjoy that.**

**HSG: Implying I wouldn't either.**

**HSG: Implying that I'm lying and so are you.**

**FFN: No! It's just, uh...I'm not gay!**

**HSG: Poor little idiot.**

**HSG: Is defense your only option?**

**FFN: Wait, back there, with the little, with the...stuff?**

**FFN: Were you hitting on me?**

**HSG: Implying I'm not?**

**FFN: Oh. Uh. Okay. Sorry. Um. What's your name?**

**HSG: You may refer to me as HSG.**

**HSG: Or, if the mood fucking suits you, Galactic President Superstar Mcawesomeville.**

**FFN: Don't swear at me. Give me your name.**

**HSG: You know I can see you, right?**

**FFN: NAME, HUMAN.**

**HSG: Fuck you. It's not a need to know.**

**FFN: Name or I'll block you.**

**HSG: FALSE. A bro does not cockblock another bro.**

**FFN: I don't know what I expected.**

**FFN:But listen, I have to get out of the Medium.**

**HSG: Fuck that noise.**

**HSG: I'm not helping you. Get that crazy-ass Albino chick to help you.**

**FFN: Go away. And stop swearing, please.**

Navy blue light flashes outside the window. It's like Youtube read my mind. About fourteen stories of endless house copies have been stacked all the way up.

**HSG: The gate'll take your hot little ass straight out of the Medium and into your new planet.**

**HSG: Bring your sister. She's a choice piece of ass.**

**FFN: HEY!**

**HSG: Relax. Bro Code says that a bro can hit on a bro's sister, but cannot hit the sister.**

**FFN: Hit?**

**HSG: Oh My Fuck. Just get through the gate. **


	14. PM: Make an uneasy friendship

"Mum?"

Where is she? Bloody hell, I hope she's okay. I took a nap for only a few minutes, woke up on Prospit, did the fuck-all flying thing and set up some vee important game stuff like the Grist Cache. When I woke up, mum's gone. Or at least, she didn't answer when I knocked.

"Mum? You in?" I call. I wander out of the flat and look up and down the hallway. The Medium's outside, and I really hope she hasn't fallen into it. That would be horrendous.

There's a tapping down the hallway. "Mum? It's me! Pottermore! You alright?" I shout, and move towards the noise. It's coming from the garbage disposal.

"Mum...?"

A bend forms in the garbage disposal door, latches squealing, trying to stay locked. I remember being terrified of monsters in the garbage disposal, but none of that was real. None of that was real.

_It's not real it's not real it's not real it's not real..._

The garbage disposal door literally breaks off it's hinges, monsters pouring out of the chute.

"Fuck!"

I run back into my apartment. I am not going out there again. Jesus fucking Christ, what was that?_ Did I take something?_ God, is this what the game does to people? Does it make them high?

Harry Primatesprite's still tied to a table. Being part ape has done nothing for his intelligence, and he's more liable to hurt himself if I let him just roam around. In terms of looks, he kind of looks like a shortsighted version of the third one down the evolution lineup.

He bounces up and down, chattering.

"I know, Harry, I know. Shhh! Shush, Harry! They'll hear you!"

Harry grunts, eyes flickering to the door and then back to me. "Don't worry, I won't let them hurt you," I reassure him, reaching forward and extending my palm. Primatesprite runs his free hand over mine, a symbol of trust. "Atta boy, Harry."

I'd ask him if he's seen Mum, but I think knowing that I haven't got a proper lid on things would just upset the poor fellow. Besides, I've got weapons to make if the monsters actually get in here. I can hear faint scratching at the door already.

I need something. A need a thing!

"I need a potion!" I shout. Harry Primatesprite jumps when I untie him from the table. Potions solve everything! Why didn't I think of it sooner? But what to make? God, where'm I gonna get Valerian root at this hour? And a wand? Bloody hell, I'll have to make one! Obviously! And I can make my own valerian root later, but wand first!

"Primatesprite! I need something this long and this wide and preferably cylindrical!" I outline the dimensions with my hands. "And quickly!" I shout, untying Primatesprite.

My Sprite, bless his ghostly heart, does not need to be told twice. He goes bounding off through my apartment, looking for anything that could meet my requirements.

Oh! Somebody's messaging me!

I check the tag. Fanfiction Dot-Net!

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**FFN: Yo! PoMo!**

**PM: Ello! Haven't spoken to you in ages!**

**FFN: Haha, what? It hasn't seemed that long to me!**

**FFN: Do you have a Patron Player yet?**

**PM: Well...**

**FFN: I've just got mine! He's soooo cool!**

**PM: That's**

**FFN: And he's gotten me onto my planet already, which is the coolest thing ever!**

**FFN: And he's pretty much the most interesting person I've ever met in my whole life.**

**PM: Oh. Okay.**

**FFN: Yeah. We're like totally best friends now. BF's for F.**

A knot's risen in my throat. What did I do? I must've said something or done something to deserve this.

**PM: That sounds great. I'm glad you're having friends.**

**PM: And it's just...**

**PM: Not to be rude.**

**PM: Is all.**

**PM: But I thought that we'd be talking a might bit more since we got in here.**

**PM: But we're not.**

**FFN: Pssh, whatever! You'll be fine by yourself!**

I swallow, hard. Go away, bad knot. Besides, I have better things to do. If he wants to do piss-all and not be friendly, then bugger that.

Primatesprite's back with a wizard statue and a plastic recorder. I mutter a thanks and combine them using my sylladex. It beeps out a happy melody along with a "Congratulations! You've created the Fanflute!"

Apparently, mixing a wizard statue and a plastic recorder just makes a shittier recorder. I blow into it experimentally, and it produces a sound so shrill the monsters at the door yowl and back off.

Ugh. Is it too soon to message Youtube? Last time I did, she was trying to enter the game and something was bothering her, but I didn't want to push her. Youtube's a special girl, and I don't like seeing her hurt.

I mean...she's super smart! And funny, when she's in a good mood! And she's super competent and kind of feral, but it suits her! And I think she's really pretty! I mean...I just...she's...indescribable. And so sad. And so, so lonely.

Is this wrong? She's one of my best friends. One of the few humans left. Does it even remotely matter, like who even cares about my romantic life? Shouldn't survival be more important? Does anyone even care? I just...I can't shake the feeling that we're made for each other.

Right then. Back to business. Magic, then.

"Primatesprite! I need marbles, a box of matches, and plastic bugs!" I command.

He nods happily and goes pinging back through the flat.

I'm not going to message Youtube yet. I don't want to hurt her yet. I'll tell her, just...not right now.

Primatesprite's back quickly, and I combine the objects held in his soft palms into Glowbugs, which hover around you and cast light, sort of like fireflies but they don't derp off.

There's more scratching at the front door and now at the window down the hall. Primatesprite hisses, reaching for my hand. "I know. I know. I just..I have to figure this out first."

There's a crash from down the hallway, followed by hisses and moans. "Uh oh."

I race down the hall to my bedroom, grab the first thing I find-Director's cut of Lord of the Rings-and race back into the main hallway to prototype it with something. What's that? I'll use that thing!

My God...My good God...I've made...I've created...

_YOU SHALL NOT STAFF._

Fuck. I've combined the LOTR set with a coatrack. I've made my weapon a _magical fucking coatrack staff._ And it's not one of those, "Oh, wow, that was originally a _fucking coatrack? I COULDN'T TELL!"_ It's quite obviously a magic coatrack. The little knobbly coatrack hangers are sticking off the side, too. Ugh.

But I'll give it a go, regardless. I raise the staff up, and white magic flares out from the side of it.

"Whoa! Um, _EXPECTO PATRONUM!"_

A flare of white magic crackles forth, then abruptly gutters out. But still, it's pretty well wicked! It's something!

I take aim, and let fire, blasting the hell-socks off those little hellions. One good shot manages to take care of most of them, so I quickly look back to my messages.

Oh, now who's this?

**[? ? ? ? ? ? (TMB) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**TMB: #AARADLFKJASDGLKAHSDFLKJ!**

**PM: Oh, hello Youtube! Sorry, my chat's not recognizing you.**

**TMB: I'M NOT YOUTUBE YOU THICK!HEADED!MISOGYNIST!**

**TMB: DO ALL GIRLS SOUND THE SAME TO YOU OR SOMETHING #ASSHOLE?!**

**PM: Uh...no?**

**PM: Youtube's just...she's got mood swings like that sometimes. She has really bad days where she's not herself.**

**TMB: yeah i know of her shes got no!sense of humor**

**PM: Not true! She's very sarcastic!**

**PM: Sometimes.**

**PM: But anyways, doll, what's got you in such a snit, hmm?**

**TMB: whoa there douche!face slow down on the nicknames**

**PM: But I have to use nicknames for I don't know your real name!**

**TMB: tumblr**

**PM: Nice to meet you. I am Pottermore.**

**TMB: yeah i know who you are weve been watching you**

**TMB: and is your friend #ffn always such an asshole**

**PM: Um...well...he doesn't mean to be!**

**PM: He's a good person, deep down.**

**PM: Somewhere.**

The Bad Knot about him and I not being best friends anymore is back. I must've done something. I've only wanted to be a friend to somebody. But he probably isn't defending me, so why should I bother having his back?

**TMB: but hes such a moron about shipping and stuff okay**

**TMB: who do you #ship**

**PM: nobody whatsoever.**

**TMB: how what even**

**PM: Don't hate. Appreciate.**

**TMB: youre!insufferable**

**TMB: hows the game going**

**PM: Scary as all get-out, love! And I mean that in a non-disrespectful way!**

**TMB: :|**

**PM: I mean, I didn't like the world I was in before this, most of the people were scum and all and I wasn't exactly sorry to see them go.**

**PM: But I sort of thought this game would bring all of us closer together as friends.**

**PM: And now I haven't heard from either of the girls in my group.**

**PM: And my best friend's met somebody a tad more interesting that I.**

**TMB: oh honey boo boo is this too hard**

**PM: You're a bitch. Are you aware of this?**

**TMB: i aint apart of this system and i dont give a rats!ass about your problems okay**

**PM: And I give one about yours, presumably?**

**TMB: sorry shits difficult right now**

**TMB: coplayers an asshole**

**TMB: and by the way you might want to get into the game asap because your friend ffn fucked up and has potentially killed himself and the rest of you guys**

**PM: Oh God, what's he done this time?**

**TMB: hes listening to the one player whos a total psycho**

**TMB: sorry #tw mental illness**

**TMB: but hsgs such a bad influence**

**PM: Aren't you supposed to listen to your patron players?**

**TMB: yeah but you're not supposed to LISTEN TO #FUCKING!HSG**

**TMB: but people do it anyway**

**TMB: so my #dickheaded doucherival!Bastard hsg gave your friend a total buddy boost and now theyre tighten than pbj**

**HSG! That bastard! The one that's now the best kind of friends with FFN.**

**TMB: but you should get going tho**

**TMB: because your derse queens evil**

**TMB: so she knows where you all are**

**TMB: and shes coming to slice you up**

**PM: Who is this mysterious woman who's going to Nagini me unless I get a move on?**

**TMB: queen of derse shes a total nasty woman**

**TMB: shes got this #ring that gives her infinite power and shit**

**TMB: and to win the game you need to kill her**

**PM: So what now? I take the ring and throw it in the fires of Mount Doom?**

**TMB: well do whatever the fuck you guys want we just cut off her hand though**

**PM: So your session's enemyless?**

**TMB: no our sessions null and void because of hsg**

**TMB: he somehow got our!queen alone and he killed!her and cut off her hand**

**TMB: so we can't move forwards because we're missing all kinds of motivation**

**PM: What a dick!**

**TMB: #seconded**

**PM: But my session's Queen of Derse is alive?**

**TMB: alive and ready to carve**

**PM: So what can I do about that?**

**TMB: nothing**

**PM: Really.**

**TMB: yeah sorry**

**TMB: and something important she can kill you while in the medium because shes got this thing that her ring can do called #redmiles**

**TMB: and the red miles always find you you cant escape them**

**TMB: you cant escape the miles**

**TMB: nobody can escape the miles**

**TMB: but im not entirely sure if they work in the medium or what**

**TMB: but still you could #die**

**PM: That's no good! I have to get working!**

**TMB: there we go**

**PM: I NEED TO MAKE A BROOMSTICK!**

TMB: and there it goes

I sign out of the chat with Tumblr and grab the broom out from the corner of the room, searching for anything to cross it with to make it fly. "MUM! WAKE UP!" I shout, running down the hall to check her room again. Why hasn't she woken up yet?

I thunder down the hall, gripping the coatstaff tightly. "Mum?" I call again, opening her door.

Her room's been torn apart, with deep slashes in the wall and furniture utterly decimated. And she's gone.

**[Pottermore (PM) messaged Tumblr (TMB)!]**

**PM: WHERE'S MY MUM GONE TO?**

**TMB: first rule of adolescent quest is no parents allowed**

**TMB: havent you seen ferris buellers day off**

**PM: WHERE IS SHE?!**

**TMB: shes gotten herself kidnapped and is probably on derse right now**

**TMB: those monsters that you just keep happily!blasting work for the queen**

**PM: Oh shite!**

**PM: Will she be okay?**

**PM: And what do you mean no parents allowed?**

**PM: FFN's Sister is still in the game!**

Tumblr doesn't respond. God, like I haven't gotten enough to deal with, what without her falling silent and all! I have to get my mum back!

I race back to the kitchen, smacking an imp out of my way with the end of my coatstaff. The broom

that's been gathering dust at the back of the pantry gets combined with one of my Harry Potter books. I slam it to the floor, then command, "UP!"

It jumps into my waiting hand. Wicked!

I don't take the time to get to the door, just breaking out the window. Flying in a vacuum still feels weird, mostly because there's no bleeding friction, so you end up with the feeling of not actually moving anywhere.

But my gate's getting bigger and bigger, and I pass through the middle of it. It doesn't even hurt.

* * *

Somewhere in deep space, The Author regrets not giving Pottermore a vacuum to fly around upon.


	15. Youtube: Burn self multiple times

_-You disgust me. You sicken me.-_

_-I think that you should just die.-_

_-I just want him. I just want him so badly.-_

_-This is the last song ever written.-_

_-ALSDFKASDFLAHS!-_

**Oh** God. I'm back, back again, Youtube's back, tell a friend, na na na.

I roll a bit, and nearly black out. Holy fuck. Holy shit what was that?

"DAAAD!" I shout. I'm not willing to get out of bed. I want to go back to Prospit, far from this fucking hellhole where there was no voices that hurt me or boys that confuse me or parts that hurt.

"DAH-_AAAHD!_ PLEASE! HELP ME!"

Tears run hot down my face, and I slowly work my way to a sitting position. Mary mother of God, I think the pain might kill me. I lift up my sweater to see how badly I'm hurt.

And it's bad. Like, the fire-in-Burma-factory kind of burn. My skin phases from white to pink to dark red and black, the worst of it being on my chest. I don't even look human, and I've lost one of my tits. The skin's bubbled and warped, red and black, but I don't smell anything, which means no infection. Hopefully.

My handheld pings, and I scrabble for it through my patchwork quilt with my good hand.

**[Fanfiction Dot-net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**FFN: Hey! I know you've been quiet since the game started, but I've got news!**

**FFN: I've met my Patron Player, and he's super cool!**

**FFN: I really like him. He's just...he's so unique! And he's helping me hedge my way through my planet, which is nice because my sister ditched me and Interobanaraangsprite is a pain in the bum.**

**YTB: so u really like him?**

Anything to get my mind off my body.

**FFN: Yeah! He's so interesting, and although he keeps teasing me about stuff, I think he's super nice, and funny, and he's just so beyond words, y'know?**

**YTB: OHHHH**

**YTB: ;D**

**FFN: I don't follow.**

I send him a quick link. More accurately, "I won't say I'm in love", from Hercules. It's super gay, but damn if it doesn't suit the mood. Damn my chest.

**FFN: I love this song!**

**FFN: Wait.**

**FFN: Wait. A minute.**

**YTB: think it thru...**

**FFN: I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM! OH MY GOD! I'M NOT GAY!**

**YTB: u keep on denying who u r and whut ur feeling bby im not buying can't u see**

**YTB: THAT U'VE**

**YTB: GOT**

**YTB: GOT**

**YTB: GOT IT BAAAD!**

**FFN: NOOOOOO! I'm not in love!**

**YTB: Yes u r! U want to do bad thngs wit him!**

**FFN: Eww. No. Although, come to mention it, he does talk about it a lot.**

**YTB: SEEE! Lissen to Utube, bby. i got ur best interests in mind.**

**YTB: nail him!**

**FFN: I'm not in love. God. I can't believe how much you're reading into this.**

**YTB: either ur tryin to mak me helaous**

**YTB: or ur in love and terrificed to admit it**

**YTB: dont be porud it's okay ur in love.**

**FFN: I'm not talking to you anymore.**

I giggle, rolling over happy and then gasping with pain. Damn my chest! But a boyfriend! Fanfiction's got himself a boyfriend! What a cutie.

Why hasn't my dad shown up to yell at me? I get that he's hands-off, or more likely hands-never, but I have a feeling he'd like to know why he's gotten the fuck out of Dodge for no reason.

But first, I have to share the good news. First aid can wait. Gossip is boss.

**[Youtube (YTB) messaged Ficwad Dot-Com (FW)!]**

**YTB: hay gurl**

**FW: hey girl hey!**

**YTB: look i god some PRIME gossip, k?**

**FW: SPILL.**

**YTB: its about ur cuz tho it that ok?**

**FW: FFN? DOUBLE SPILL!**

**YTB: he mau or may not have a boyfreind.**

**FW: WHAT**

**FW: NO**

**FW: HES GAY?!**

**YTB: dont kno about gay but hes totally crushing on his patron palya**

**YTB: so maybe hes bi or polysexual or something**

I haven't gotten a single message from Pottermore. Whatevs. He's probably off adventuring and exploring his new planet. "DAAAA-_AAAA_-AAAAHHHHD!"

I need some chill tunes. Anything to get me out of here and shut up my head. I start humming, but lose the beat when I try to stand up.

I crack open my bedroom door, and I catch movement in the hallway. Dad?

It's not my dad. My Sprite zips into my room and starts sniffing at my arm. I know it's bad. Really bad. But I don't want to lose the arm, so I'll just let it fucking fester and stuff.

"Yo! Catsprite! What's going on?" I ask, keeping my good hand on her head. I slowly draw out my flame-broiled copy of The Great Gatsby and then just sort of jam it in there.

Why on earth did I play this stupid game?

Ergo, Catsbysprite.

"Dahling! It's so very nice to meet you!" she trills. She looks like a furry, if they had furries in the 1920's. But her eyemakeup's legit cool, so whatever.

"I need to fix my arm," I tell her.

"And your hair," she informs me.

"What the fuck is wrong with my hair?"

She frowns. "Don't use such uncouth language. Your hair is a rat's nest, that's what's wrong with it."

I try to drag my hand through it, but I quickly hit a tangle that could scalp me if I go through it.

"Can you fix my arm?" I ask, hoping that I can just camp out in here until it heals. I lift up my shirt to show her, and she sucks in her breath. "Kitten, I'm so sorry, but I don't think you'll be able to keep it."

I nod. What else can I do at this point? I'll probably have to do it myself, too. Yikes.

My handheld buzzes with incoming messages.

[ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

**MSPF: hi there! :B**

**YTB: fuck off**

**MSPF: Well I Never**

**MSPF: Can You Not See Im Here To Help You**

**YTB: what the hell dude u sound lik my dad**

**MSPF: YOU'RE SERIOUSLY STARTING TO AGGRAVATE ME, FUCKASS!**

**YTB: meth head**

**MSPF: Le siiiiiiiign**

**MSPF: i think we got off to the wrong start.**

**YTB: no really?**

**MSPF: I am MS Paint Adventure Forum!**

**YTB: holy shit**

**YTB: what a mouthful**

**MSPF: yeah i had pretentious parents.**

**MSPF: D- But I am here to make your gameplay as STRONG as pawsible!**

**YTB: what the fuck is up with ur typing style?**

**MSPF: ...Did you...not read the comic?**

**YTB: no but ive seen vids and stuff**

**MSPF: FUUUUUUUUUCK. WHY DOES NOBODY READ THE COMIC...**

**YTB: its boring thats why**

**MSPF: Oh shoosh. You sound like Tumblr.**

**MSPF: If y0u read the c0mic, y0u'd get all these excellent references.**

**YTB: the damn thing's eight gabillion pages hell naw**

**MSPF: okay we can either argue in circles or we can actually get shit done.**

**YTB: latter plz**

**MSPF: aight. First off, why are you not killing anything?**

**YTB: dunno. mostly cuz i need to get a fucking amputation.**

**MSPAF: What's your class and title?**

**YTB: wtf**

**MSPF: UUUUUUgh. the things i do. for yoU people.**

**MSPF: Okay. So I'm the Heir of Time.**

**MSPF: Which means that I'm protected by time and can use it to protect others.**

**YTB: does erreryong get a thing lik dat**

**MSPF: YES!**

**YTB: so wats mine?**

**MSPF: I don't know yet, but I do know one of your teammates titles!**

**MSPF: The youngest in your squadron, Ficwad? Sylph of Doom.**

**MSPF: She can heal others from doom. Eventually. It's not like titles come free!**

**YTB: expalin everything now.**

**MSPF: Okay. So this is how it works. Everyone gets a title, but not everyone gets to use their powers that come with the title. Sure, some aspects might come up but they won't stay forever.**

**YTB: not even urs?**

**MSPF: Nope. I'm able to jump back and forth in my timeline, but only up to a certain point. After that, everything blacks out.**

**MSPF: I try to stop things that'll end my timeline from happening. I can't get caught by enemies, and I get to protect people.**

**MSPF: All alternate timeline clones die though. I've had to bury my own body a few times.**

**YTB: so how do u get it 2 stick for good**

**MSPF: Well, there's the kissing rule, which means that if you die, and somebody kisses you, your dream self can leave their planet and you live as your dream self.**

**YTB: WTF actually**

**MSPF: Yes. Completely Canon.**

**MSPF: buuuuuuuut then there's God Tier. God Tier is when you die in the right spot in the right time and you come back to life with powers and shit.**

**MSPF: That's abridged, by the way.**

**MSPF: But don't worry! I'm here to help you! And make sure you don't die!**

What a complete and total freakshow. Then guess who shows up?

**[Pottermore (PM) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**PM: Hi dear! :)**

**PM: I hope you're doing okay.**

**PM: I'm just worried because you seemed a bit stressed when you were coming in.**

**PM: But we've got a joint team grist account that you can use.**

**PM: So there's that.**

**YTB: wepon upgrade**

**YTB: now**

**PM: Whoa there! What's wrong?**

**YTB: brned arm**

**YTB: cant keep it**

**PM: Oh my! I hope you're okay!**

**PM: Please tell me you're okay.**

**PM: You can talk to me whenever you like.**

**PM: I don't mind. At all. I'm always here.**

**YTB: artne yu sweet**

_-Where's your soul?-_

_-Where's your dad?-_

_-Where is my mind?-_

_-Ted Anyone?-_

"Shut up!" I snap, and I hear skittering and shrieks from the next room. "Oh, Youtube! Dear me! Are you quite pawlright?" Catsbysprite flutters to my side, wrapping her arm around me. I nod. "I'll be okay. It just sucks right now," I murmur.

"Oh, you poor thing. I'll take care of the meownsters. You just work on getting us out of here," Catsbysprite purrs, floating gracefully after the monsters.

I look up from a window to the Gate above my house. Fuck, it's not that far.

I do a couple update floors for me and then give a couple to FFN. Why not. And I'll worry about Alchemization when I get through the Gate.

But...god, the internet Homestuck freak won't leave me alone.

**[MS Paint Adventure Forums (MSPF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**MSPF: :33 Do you trust me?**

**YTB: no go f urself**

**MSPF: Charming, aren't you?**

**MSPF: If you go all the way to your planet now, prepare for even more burns.**

**MSPF: Sick ones, if you will.**

**YTB: shut up**

**MSPF: Don't say I didn't warn you.**

Catsbysprite carries me through the Gate, seeing as I can't climb myself, and then there I am. Everything is covered in a thick green smog, and the wind whistles over the desolate landscape. It's sort of pretty in a fucked up sort of way. But I inhale and choke, choke hard, and start coughing. Fuck, what is that? I fall forwards, and Catsbysprite takes me somewhere, away from the choking green and down under the ground.

**[MS Paint Adventure Forum (MSPF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**MSPF: I warned you about the gas, bro.**

**MSPF: I told you, dog.**

**YTB: wut the fuck is all this**

**MSPF: Chlorine gas! Listen, your new planet has pretty much no breathable oxygen. It's all underground in caves. So make yourself a helmet and suit, because the atmosphere will literally burn the flesh off your bones.**

**MSPF: the chl0rine gas will burn y0ur lungs until they pop.**

**MSPF: y0u will die by coughing 0ut and up y0ur lungs and eyes.**

**YTB: eurgh thanx for that prick.**

**MSPF: FREE LUNG FOAM FOR EVERYONE, FUCKER.**

I take a break from lung foam and look around. The cave I'm in is swirling with moths, little brown things, and Catsbysprite is pawing through them, meowing like a lady. And even though my eyes burn, and my arm kills, I manage to make out the title on the wall.

_Land of Song and Pestilence._

The chlorine gas managed to blister the skin on my right hand, but my chest is still the biggest issue. I can't do anything about that right now.

So I take out my boomerang and go to work on my hair, pale blonde knots falling to the floor of the cave, and I can feel air on my scalp. I probably look like Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. But I've got some serious Grist to earn, and I lurch heavily to my feet. Water would be good right now. Water would be excellent.


	16. Parents: Do the Cool Thing

Deep in the reaches of space, two more characters were having their own problems.

"Are You Perfectly Alright?"

Flipping dyed blonde hair out of her face, Dot Warner surveyed the small space and the other captive. "I think so. Nothing broken, at least."

"Wonderful," answered her compatriot, then abruptly fell silent.

Neither said anything for a while, until he broke the silence.

"What...Is Your Favorite Color?" he asked, sounding unsure, like not even _he_ knew what his own favorite color was. Dot laughed. "Oh my God, when's the last time you've talked to an adult?" she asked. "Not For A While. I've A Daughter To Look After, And It Is A Full-Time Occupation," he admits."Oh, me too! I've got a son, he's sixteen, such a great boy. What's your daughter's name?" she asks.

"Her Name Is Youtube."

"That's a pretty name."

"I Am Google."

"I Am Dot Warner." She imitates his tone, and both fall into giggles.

"Well, Miss Warner, As Fun As It Is Being Quarantined With You, I'm Afraid We Both Must Escape."

"For sure! I've got work tomorrow!"

Fumbling with his bound hands, Google manages to worm his way out of them without too much trouble. Kneeling in the dirt beside Dot, he works on untying her hands in silence. "Thanks!" she giggles, even though she is far to old to be doing such a thing. She also throws Google into a well-rounded hug. That, he doesn't mind.

"Where On Earth Are We?" Google asks her, trying to cover his own awkwardness.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, that's for damn sure. Mind if I smoke?" Dot asks, reaching into a pocket and lighting up a cigarette without waiting for his permission. "I don't, usually, don't get that idea about me, but I just can't with Pottermore around. He's my son, I've gotta be a good mum to him and all. God, I hope he's okay."

"He Is Probably Just Fine. My Daughter, On The Other Hand, May Require My Attention. I Must Get To Her As Soon As I Can," Google intones, shrugging out of his suit coat.

"Man, that tie is hideous," Dot says, catching a glimpse of the ill-designed article of clothing.

"Surely You Jest! My Tie Is Wonderful! And Artistic!"

"And the ugliest thing under the fucking sun. Oh, my Goodness! I'm so sorry!" Dot claps a hand over her mouth, smearing her lipstick.

"Quite Fucking Alright. I Assure You."

Before the two of them have any more chance to chat, the door to their small cell starts to rattle, keys being scraped against it.

"When Will I See You Again?" Google asks. He is, truth be told, quite entranced by this dyed-blonde former beauty queen.

She laughs. "I'm Dot."

"I Know. And Your Name Is Very Pretty."

"Thank you, Mr. Google."

The guard that opens the door is nearly eight feet tall, and manages to capture both of them in one meaty fist. Dot doesn't seem to mind being dragged along, and is merely admiring the architecture of the dark purple palace floors and vaulted ceiling. Google is merely admiring her.

The throne room is a continuation of violet flagstones and arched windows. They look out into darkness, Skaia being tremendously far away.

Both Dot and Google are thrown to the floor with no ceremony. "Wow! Look! Stars!" Dot says excitedly, pointing out the window at absolutely nothing. Google does not actually care about the non-existent stars. At the moment, he's more preoccupied with the fact that the Queen of Derse has given them an audience.

She's lounging sideways on her throne, glaring at the two of them. Both of her two heads are resplendent with golden circlets, and cat ears that twitch at the slightest sound.

"Aha! Captives! Spies! Thought you could sneak by me, right?! Not today!" she announces, smiling to show pointed catlike teeth.

"Oh my Goodness! Spies! Where?" asks Dot.

The queen ignores her. Swinging her feet sideways, she saunters with a slow swing of her hips. Most of her body is clad in some sort of natural black crab-like armor, with wicked-looking spikes and matted fur sprouting up from random spots. Retractable claws slide from the tips of her fingers as she catches hold onto Google's ugly tie.

"Spies for the queen of Prospit?! That's pathetic! Tell her that I'm only playing fair if she does! Her heroes are garbage! All that jazz! But all the same," the Queen says, arrows starting to glow against the carapace armor.

"I'll think I'll send you back dead! Hah! Just to send a message!"

With a snap of her fingers, the guards grab Dot and Google, dragging them back out of the throne room.

"How rude!" Dot snaps once hauled out of earshot. Stamping hard down on her kidnapper's foot, she wrangles out of his grasp. "C'mon! I'm in no mood to be slayed by that moody little so-and-so!" she says, sounding giddy, grabbing hold of Google's wrist.

The two of them sprint down the hallway. "Where Is An Exit?" Google asks, whipping his head back and forth, squinting through his glasses. Spotting one at the end of the corridor, he tugs Dot in that direction, and the two of them kick the door open, only to find it leads out into a balcony.

"Oh no! Dead end!" Dot frets, looking over her shoulder at a group of guards slowly edging towards them.

"Nonsense, My Dear! Just Jump!" Google responds, spotting what, at least in his mind, looked like a giant boat.

The jump down to the boat was quick and relatively painless. Google took charge of steering the impossibly huge thing, while Dot sucked down another cigarette to steady her nerves. The purple chain binding the boat to the planet was quickly torn free, and the two of them piloted away.

"Oh my Goodness, I cannot believe I just did that! Haven't gone joyriding since I was in college!" gushed Dot.

"I'll Say. We're Criminals Now!" Google laughed for the first time in years, delighted.

The boat makes swift progress away from Derse, the two aged vigilantes piloting away.

"Uhhh...your terribleness? Should we pursue them?" asks a footsoldier to the Queen, long after the two have gone.

She shrugs, stretching her arms. The joints of her knuckles and shoulders crack.

"Why bother?! I've got the deck stacked, and all the power I need."

She runs a hand over the ring on the fourth finger of her left hand. Red tendrils spread from it, eager to listen.


	17. FW: Get some really shitty RP done

**[Ficwad (FW) messaged DeviantArt (DA)!]**

**FW: *the wonderous queen of the night glides thru the air with her vampire powers***

**FW: *she opens her bright red eyes to this new world***

**DA: ((^u^))**

**DA: *Princess Kokoro thinks that Cristancia's dramatic attitude is unbefitting!***

**DA: *And she giggles!**

**FW: *Empress Cristancia Enoby Dark'ness-Way rolls her fcuking eyes at Princess Kokoro's light-hearted attitude.**

**DA: "You Vampire-Elf-human-seal-tiger hybrids are SOOO BAKA!" *shouts Princess Kokoro!***

**FW: "Urusai, Kokoro-chan! I am AN EMPRESS HAI OKAY."**

**FW: ((OMG this is the best thang everz!))**

**DA: ((IKR! can't believe u've never Rp'd! u're so sugoi at it!))**

**FW: ((thanx u're sugio too.))**

**FW: "I know we have our differences, but we must fight evil together!" *shouts Empress Cristancia dramatically.***

**DA: Princess Kokoro-chan nods "Hai! WE MUST COMBINE POWERS TO BECOME A SUPER KAWAII SOLDIER SAILOR!"**

**DA: ((Wait wait wait! I CALLZ BREAK!))**

**FW: Break acknolged!**

**FW: Ack. Nowl. Edged. ****

I sit cross-legged on a light blue rock. My new world, The Land of Rainbows and Foreboding, is mostly doctor-suess (SEUSS) like wilderness. All the trees are neaon (NEON) colors, brightly tufted little motherfuckers with skinny yellow trunks. There's this really big orange desert with purple and blue rock formations, sort of like Australia. Back home. Or at least I think it did, having never actually, like, seen Australia and it could be covered in snow for all my knowing.

But the water here's green, but it's still safe to drink. And! And and and! There's a junlge! (YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN, ASSHOLE.) It's got purple trees and rivers and big rocks and it's shady and it's got stuff to climb on! The monsters aren't that bad. I can kill them really easy.

But there's not a lot of fruit here, and I haven't heard from the moron cousin, so I don't know where FP is.

I'm just kind of hungry. That's all. Fruit and Veg is hard to find, so I haven't eaten anything.

There's a rustling in the corner of the trees. I aim Headfirst, teeth gritted, even though my head feels like it's trailing a goddamn foot behind me. I tense, kneeling on my rock.

A mustard-yellow basilisk snakes out, twin heads snapping at me. Too easy. I ignore the heads, and blast the space in between them.

Black blood spurts, sprays, and the damn thing twitches to death. My mouth tastes like salt.

God, I'm hungry. I'm so, so hungry. I haven't eaten since...I've been into the game. Wow. That's...three days? Maybe more? Whoa.

The dead basilisk would just rot. Something else would eat it.

I don't eat animals. I'm a vegetarian.

Damn, this thing is good. It's good raw.

**[DeviantArt (DA) messaged Ficwad (FW)!]**

**DA: O M G FICWAD-CHANN!**

**DA: WAT'RE YOU DOING?!**

**FW: oh uh yeah**

**FW: I got a bit hungry and jumped off the veggie wagon**

**FW: men meat is good cant believe ive been missed this**

**DA: this is gross omg**

**FW: ur gross im just eating**

**DA: UV BUTCHERED IT.**

**DA: LIKE A TAUNTAUN!**

**FW: om nom nom! TAUNTAUN! THE OTHER WHITE MEAT!**

**DA: O_O**

**DA: look anata ive got issues**

**FW: OOOH WAT TELL ME TELL EM!**

**DA: so tumblr-kun and Hsg-senpai are in the kismesis quadrant**

**DA: despite many paddlings with my weaponized yaoi paddle.**

**FW: lol okay**

**FW: That's hate ship right?**

**DA: Hai, ficwad-chan!**

**FW: o?**

**DA: But him an Tumblr-kun's kismesis is out of control!**

**DA: They fight all the time! And Tumblr-kun managed to seriously hurt HSG-Senpai!**

**DA: BUT I REALLY THINK THE NOSEBLEED'S BECAUSE HE'S A PERVERTED BAKA!**

**FW: REALLLY?**

**DA: ya!**

**FW: 2 secs!**

I take a break from eating raw basilisk and message FFN.

**[Ficwad (FW) messaged (FFN)!]**

**FW: HEY YOU ASSHOLE**

**FFN: Ugh. Language, please.**

**FFN: I'm kind of busy. What do you want?**

**FW: you talkin to ur booooyyyyyyfrieeeenddd?**

**FFN: WHAT?**

**FFN: NO!**

**FFN: HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND AND I'M NOT GAY.**

**FW: whatevs listen ive got things**

**FW: DA said hes into kinky stuff more r less**

**FW: SO SEXT HIM LIKE YOU SEXT YOUTUBE.**

**FFN: Oh. Wow.**

**FFN: Wait, HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!**

**FW: I KNOW EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY ABOUT YOUTUBE.**

**FFN: Well, he's not gay. And it would just make things weird.**

**FW: UGGGH! JUST SEND PICTURES THEN.**

**FFN: Don't you have monogamous shipping to do or something? :/:**

**FW: F U**

I sign off. God. Asshole. He didn't even care about my land or anything. Whatever. I don't care about his either.

**DA: Annnd?**

**FW: Let's RP.**

**DA: wat's up? Doste Nado?**

**FW: Shut up and RP with me.**

**DA: SIGH.**


	18. FFN: Prove yourself mostly useless

My new planet is called the Land of Plot Holes and Leviathans. I've scarcely been here before my sister ditches me to try to find a way back to Ficwad. So basically, I'm in the care of Banana Sprite, who doesn't shut up. I mean, it's not like I need anymore guidance from her, so it's cool that she ditches me. And right now, it's not that bad. Because...there's...well, I don't know how to put it.

There's a boy. I guess.

And I'm not sure if I'm gay or what, but he seems really attractive and charming, despite the fact that he seems a bit overly violent and he is totally confusing me with mixed signals.

And I don't even think that it should matter who or what I'm into. So why do I care? Other than the fact that I really can't talk to anyone about it, then yeah, I'm just in the _pink._

Interobanaraangsprite slams a fist into a boulder, cracking it in half, and giving us enough space to walk through.

"Thanks."

"Aynothang."

A cold wind starts blowing, and I pull out some new gear I made specifically for me. Such as a Glee blu-ray and a hoodie, making the "Gold-star lamè sweatershirt."

My palm vibrates, and I know who it is before I answer the message.

**[? ? ? ? ? ? ? (HSG) messaged Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN)!] **

**HSG: fuck **

**HSG: we need to talk. **

**FFN: What's wrong? **

**FFN: You're not mad at me, are you?**

**HSG: What? God no. Chill your self out. **

**HSG: I'm just injured and pissed as fuck. **

**HSG: And I'm just having a bit of a think. **

**FFN: A think, you say? **

**HSG: yeaaaah. A Think. **

**HSG: About retribution. **

**FFN: Yeah? **

**HSG: Because Tumblr did a thing. Tumblr lieed to me. **

**FFN: Okay. **

**HSG: She told me that Homestuck updated, but that wasn't true. **

**HSG: And I've got a jetpack that runs on rage. So I just fell out of the sky. **

**HSG: Pschoo. **

**HSG: and I nearly died.**

**HAD: And then my rage skyrocketed and sent me skidding through the glass on my planet so I look like I just exited a passionate lovemaking sesh with Edward fucking Scissorhands. **

**HSG: So I'm wondering how I can make her amends. **

**HSG: Implies she can't get away with this.**

**FFN: Hey, she was probably just messing around! Don't worry about it!**

**FFN: And stop using such vivid metaphors. Because that sounds almost as painful to experience as it is to picture. **

**HSG: SHE WILL PAY DAMMIT. And I'd give you more details but the human vocabulary lacks the eloquence to convey the actual amount of blood I've lost. So if I'm whimsical, please forgive you and blow me.  
**

**HSG: Or is it the other way round? **

We end up ping-ponging back and forth about this for a while, but I actually couldn't care less about Tumblr. Because I know that he's not gay, and most of that misplaced homoerotic sentiment is actually misplaced irony.

I half-heartedly slice through an imp, and collect the grist it spits out. This game is actually super boring and I'm having no fun, and I hate everybody.

Interobanaraangsprite slugs my shoulder, and then hits me again, harder.

"Ow! Quit it!" I snap, swinging a fist at him.

He just chuckles and goes in for another quick three punches.

"Ow! _Don't_ hit me!" I shout, swinging at him with my Mosh Jot Strife. He ducks under the arc of it and then goes bounding off into the forest, giggling madly.

"I'll get you!" I call, and go running after him, unwilling to cut sideways and divert my path, so I end up springing off various arboreal elements. I clamber up a tree and out on a branch, then jump off. My body weight sends me careening down to the forest floor landing in front of Interobanaraangsprite, but he floats over me and keeps booking it.

"You won't escape so easily!" I shout, and roll up after him. The ground squelches under my feet, and I am so focussed on catching that guy that I run off a cliff.

The surf is cold, and the water goes straight up my nose. I float to the top, and a wave pushes me to the cliff wall. Interobanaraangsprite perches on the wall, sitting on a larger handhold.

"You suck so hard," I tell him, water running out of my nose and down my face. He shrugs. Cocky little jerk. But he does get a wave to push me to the cold sand shore. My gloves are still functional, and HSG's finally shut up, although he's yet to tell me his real name. Interobanaraangsprite starts digging in the sand, unearthing a few caulk grist tokens, but nothing major. He starts making a hill, and I lie down. I should be fighting monsters right now, but I worked really hard running after Intero, so no, I'm not moving any time soon.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Deep Space, The Author watches Fanfiction Dot-net with hooded eyes. This lazy idiot is the key to the survival of all the characters, him being the Knight of Life, but he is such a churlish hooligan with no value for his friends or family that she wonders if she damned the whole session by giving him that title. She cradles her aching head in her hands. No wonder nobody likes her work.


	19. PM: Find a Figment

Glowbugs are the only source of light I've got on the new planet. The Land of Fog and Magic lives up to it's bloody name. I think I'm pretty far fetched from Skaia, but all things considered, I have no idea where my planet's located and could be in the Furthest Ring for all I know.

"Don't go too far, Primatesprite! I don't want to lose ya!" I shout. Harry's been bouncing through the fog, and I don't want him to get eaten by a beastie. He's all I have right now, in terms of companions.

I've got my computer built into a watch on me wrist, took me what felt like a year to get it right, so now it's not so cumbersome. It's my _WWRWD?_ one. My mum got it for me ninth birthday. _What would Ron Weasley Do?_

Glowbugs are fluttering around up near my face. I bat them back in front of me, looking up to the sky. The fog's not that bad, not oppressive, at any flat rate. Just sort of thickish and souplike. I squint upwards through my specs, and I manage to spot 'em. Spot all the little ones. I've never seen so many stars. We don't get a lot of them in California. I decide to message Youtube, because maybe she's got the same stars where she is. And then I wouldn't feel so far away from her.

**[Pottermore (PM) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**PM: Hello!**

**YTB: ugh hey u**

**PM: Um.**

**PM: Have you missed me?**

**YTB: not rly**

**YTB: w/u?**

**PM: Uhm.**

**PM: I've missed you.**

**PM: I mean talking to you. You're great. And nice! And independent and you don't really need anyone and if you went to Hogwarts you'd probably be a Ravenclaw because you've got smarts.**

**YTB: o rly**

**PM: I'd be a Gryffindor because I'm brave and all. But we could still be friends, because I've not got prejudice against houses. Most of 'em are okay, save Slytherin.**

**YTB: pssh wat u on**

**YTB: u r not brave ok ur just regular**

**YTB: which is ok**

**YTB: some people just aint heros aitgh**

**PM: But...I want to be a hero! And I'll be one!**

**PM: I'll save somebody! A damsel, perhaps!**

**PM: She could get kidnapped! By an evil king!**

**PM: AND I'D SAVE HER WITH MAGIC!**

**YTB: lol fukker**

**PM: You're sounding better, by the by. It makes me sad when you're not yourself.**

**YTB: thx 4 notes**

**YTB: the atmosphere kills me out here man**

**YTB: chlorine gas is a BITCH**

**YTB: and i had a mnetal brkdown when i fist got here**

**YTB: but i seem to be doin okay for myself now**

**YTB: somewoh just bein away from dad makes the voices quiteer**

**YTB: probs nothing thoug**

**YTB: and plus i axed off all my hair b/c i thought itd make me more succefwaul**

**PM: Oh dear.**

**YTB: LOL YE**

**YTB: o ttyl ogre at sixoclock**

**PM: Goodbye.**

**PM: I miss you.**

I leave her alone for a bit, wandering away from my house, further into the grey soup. There's a clicking of talons on rock. I glance around, but I don't see Primatesprite anywhere.

"Harry? You there?" I call. Nothing. No answer.

My watch beeps, reading as messages from Tumblr.

**[Tumblr (TMB) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]**

**TMB: hey wiz!kid**

**TMB: play the fanflute**

**TMB: do the flutey thing**

**TMB: go on #doit #justdoit**

I glance up to the sky, in case I can see her watching me. My sylladex is still holding my bunk recorder, and I pull it out. Flipping Christ, I'm going to regret this.

I inhale, then try playing Hot Cross Buns. The damned thing screeches and wails, like I'm torturing it with a Cruciatus curse. It sounds like Hell's symphonic orchestra played on a chorus of oboes. I feel bad, but I complete the damn song anyways.

Once the ringing in my ears subsides, I manage to hear a deep call coming from far away. A roar, maybe? I look up into the fog, but I can't see anything. Have I pissed off an ultimate guardian or something?

There's a steady _whumph, whumph, whumph_ and it sounds like it's heading my way, steadily growing louder.

"Tumblr! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" I call, hoping that she'll cut this out quickish.

Turns out, it's not Tumblr.

A beast with shining yellow scales and milky purple eyes lands in front of me, leathery wings folding and creasing. Hot air snarls in the base of it's throat, ghosting over jagged teeth and onto my face. The force of the landing is heavy enough to knock me off my feet and onto my back.

"Oh my God!" I back away, aiming my staff at it's head. It doesn't seem too perturbed, just inching closer, evaluating my snack value. "I'm not a piggy! I'm not a porker, okay? I've got big bones, and, and, um, I'm not very good! Tough, like! Don't eat me! I'm nasty, like!" I shout, waving my staff back and forth, hoping to deter it.

It inches closer, massive nostrils flaring as it smells me. A jade tongue rasps out, running up the side of my face. Blech!

"Oi! Cut that out! No tasting me!"

**TMB: would u #cutthatshitout**

**TMB: it aint gonna fucking!eat you**

"Hold that thought. And your tongue. Hear?" I tell the dragon, and go back to answering Tumblr.

**PM: Please, love. Clarify for yours truly?**

**TMB: okay im #fastracking you here**

**PM: Fastrack away, by all means!**

**TMB: your in the land of fog and magic**

**TMB: LOFAM**

**PM: I've never seen you use capitals before.**

**TMB: and magic dont exist anywere else just in ur land okay**

**TMB: because magic is just #meaninglessbullshit**

**PM: WHAT**

**PM: BITCH YOU TAKE THAT BACK! THIS INSTANT! I DEMAND IT!**

**TMB: whatevs grow up its true**

**TMB: but LOFAMs full of magical creatures**

**TMB: and you've summoned one**

**PM: ...really.**

**TMB: yeah dude i thought that youd be happy or something**

**TMB: enjoy training her**

**PM: It's a her?**

How can she even tell?

I raise my eyes from my watch, and regard the dragon, who's calmly watching me. I raise my hand forward, to touch what looks like a soft spot above her nose. It looks like the skin of a peach, fuzzed with a downy sort of yellow hair.

She snaps her mouth forwards, catching my hand in between her extremely large teeth, although not hard enough to take it off. I scream, and she lets go. "You're not actually _real,_ are you?" I ask. There's no fuckin' _way_ I'm getting a goddamn DRAGON. Not after I've gotten my Hogwarts Acceptance letter misplaced for five years!

"Figment. Thass your name. 'Cause you're not really real."

Figment barks, low in her throat, emitting a small burst of flame. The tongue's back, slurping me in dragon spit.

"Ahh! Figment! Fig! _No!_ No tasting!"

Figment lies flat on her stomach, and from there it's an easy hop-skip-jump up behind her ears._ "Hell _yes. _Fuck_ yes. Hell _fucking_ yes. I'm sitting on a hallucinated dragon!"

Figment rumbles. She agrees with me!

"Okay. Fig! AWAY!"

I didn't think she'd actually do it, but away we do go. The scream is a bit high-pitched, considering it's me, but I manage to keep a firm grip on the staff and onto Fig's head. Hah! If only the twats at school could see me now! I'd get Fig to eat them! And set the school on fire! No more Potter the pig, no more PoMo the porker, that's for bloody sure.

Once we're up a bit, the fog clears up turning into cold greyish mist, and I get a closer look at the stars.

**[Pottermore (PM) started a Group Chat!]**

[**Pottermore (PM) added Fanfiction Dot-net (FFN)!]**

**[Pottermore (PM) added Youtube (YTB)!]**

**[Pottermore (PM) added Ficwad Dot-com (FW)!]**

**PM: Hello everyone!**

**FFN: Ugh! About time!**

**FFN: The only messages I've gotten are from HSG! Where've you guys been?**

**FW: fyi youve not been in a hurry to message us eiter prick**

**FW: *Folds arms and glares***

**FFN: What.**

**FW: im into rp**

**YTB: CAN ALL OF U JUST FUCKING CRAM IT OK**

**YTB: gfd u 2 are so fuckin petty**

**PM: Look. I know there's some bad blood going on, but I've got something important to say!**

**FW: *Ficwad-kun looks imperiously to Pottermore-Kun, and with interest, beckons him to what he has to say!***

**PM: Err.**

**PM: Right.**

**PM: So listen up, blokes and tarts!**

**PM: Check out the stars!**

**YTB: u high or wat**

**PM: NO! YOU GUYS!**

**PM: Ficwaffle, when was your birthday?**

**FW: *Thinks* November 30th?**

**PM: Exactly! Guys, we've been in the game longer than originally thought!**

**FFN: You sound really excited!**

**PM: Guys.**

**PM: Merry Christmas.**

**FFN: Holy Sugar Honey Iced Tea!**

**FFN: You're joking!**

**FFN: Already?**

**YTB: shit didnt get u guiz nuthin**

**FW: YAAAAAAAAAYYYYY! MERRRY CHRISTMASS!**

**PM: It's me first Hols away from me mum.**

**YTB: 1st away from dad**

**FFN: First away EVER.**

**FW: aw fuck you guys ive always been alone :( :( :(**

**YTB: aww sorry bby**

**YTB: well change 4 u**

**YTB: merry grstms hun**

**PM: I remember last Christmas I got a sweater with my first initial knitted into it.**

**PM: But I wore it to school and I beat up. Worst nosebleed ever!**

**FFN: Last christmas my sister sent me a coconut! :D:**

**FW: FP and i had a mud fight bc there was no snow!**

**YTB: my dad got me a necklass and said i looked prety**

**PM: Me mum made cake for the first time.**

**FFN: I ate EVERYTHING OMG.**

**FW: hung up sticks from the ceiling bc no ornaments!**

**FW: OMG gonna go do thattttt NOW!**

**YTB: he said i looked like my mom Hulu**

**FFN: Christmas reruns!**

**PM: I miss those!**

**YTB: snowmen army bitches!**

**YTB: aint no christmas like a sweedish chritmas**

**FFN: No punctuation, no problem.**

**FFN: Hey dorkus**

**FFN: Ficwad, Fictionpress is looking for you.**

**FW: really?**

**FFN: She is so worried about you so don't die in the meantime. Okay?**

Figment starts to slow, lowering back to the ground. Harry Primatesprite's loping over, wide monkey smile, looking happy to finally have found me. My staff lights up, white light spilling out and lighting up the dead grass and hard-packed dirt. Thick clouds start to gather overhead, puckering over the wound Fig left behind. And it starts snowing.


	20. YTB: Be on the receiving end of drama

Here's one not-so-fricking-A thing about the Land of Song and Pestilence. Okay, LOSAP. Happy now, thickhead?

The only oxygen's down below in caverns. The monsters like the oxygen. So really, how badly do I want that air? Pretty damned badly, as a matter of fact.

I've hollowed out the emerald ogre that thought it could interrupt my chat with Pottermore, and I collected the grist it spat out. At this point, it's not even killing-for-the-sake-of-killing, it's more, hey, this gives me some hella sick swag so why not just drop it? On the up-and-up, my hair's started to grow back in tufts, so my head looks like I took a weed whacker to it. The burn on my arm and chest have crusted up nicely and don't smell or look infected anymore. But I'm still keeping an eye on them. My hand's still a bit stiff, so I'm moving it whenever I get the chance. And even _more_ good news, I've made myself a set of armor. Regulationator is such an unoriginal and sort of blasé name, but whatever. It's supposed to be white, but it doesn't stay white. For serious, how do girls in video games manage to keep their white clothes white? But I've got lifts in the soles to make me look taller and stylized shoulder things to make me look bigger. Kind of like a guy. The helmet's red, with white stripes, and the black visor is outfitted with my computer and it keeps track of my hydration and injury rates.

And yeah it put a bit of a hole in the Grist account but who _cares?_ I rake in more than the rest of the team combined.

My breath mists against my visor. I slide through a small crack between some elephantine boulders, rocks grating against my arms. I've stumbled upon an underground lake, something clear and looking pretty monster-free right now. My helmet comes off, and I tuck it under my arm. I let go of it when I get to the shore, and kneel down to drink straight from the source. I should probably boil it or whatever, but I'll be fine. Fuck ebola and dysentery.

The rest of my armor follows my helmet, clothes too. Kneel on the shore and wash them out, spread them flat out. Because darn if a girl can't build up some serious sweat stains running around in these caverns. I take a few steps back, then get a running start. Cannonball into the middle of the lake.

I sink, water flowing into my ears. I never realized how much I missed the feeling, irritating though it might be. Weird how you miss stupid things.

And then my brain pops.

_-Fucking fuck shit hell goddamn it, why can't you leave me alone, asshole?-_

_-I'm done with you.-_

_-Shut up. Back off.-_

Whoa! Okay! I float to the surface and tread water. And just like that, it's gone. I mean, yeah, I've always had issues with hearing voices, but they've been...managed, I guess. They've been better. And yeah, they just sort of pop up in a giant spam field sometimes.

Okay, mood ruined. Thanks for nothing, useless hallucinations.

I swim back to shore, and my helmet starts to buzz with incoming messages. I slip it on over my wet head. Oh look. It's Pottermore again.

He's got some sort of group message going on, and drops the Christmas bomb. Like I care. Fuck Christmas. My dad's not too big on the Christmas. So I shared the only happy memory I had. I mean, I never really knew my mom or what happened to her. So when my dad slurred "You Look jus' Like Your Mother," I kind of felt like maybe I meant something.

My helmet buzzes with a new message. Just great. More Christmas Bullshit. I'd rather blast my music and ignore all of them. Ever get the feeling that everything would be better if they were all dead?

I open the new chat window. Ooh, MSPAF!

**[MS Paint Adventures Forum (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**MSPF: Hey. You there?**

**YTB: wut up?**

**MSPF: fuck. Fuck. FUCK!**

**YTB: Hey hey hey whoa there shorty**

**YTB: u aight?**

**MSPF: Shit. Shit, honey.**

**MSPF: It hurts so badly.**

**MSPF: God, Tumblr, sorry.**

**YTB: ?**

**MSPF: Oh. Oops.**

**MSPF: What timeline am i in again**

**YTB: wtf**

**MSPF: listen to me**

**MSPF: im dying**

**YTB: HOLY FUCK WHERE ARE YOU I'M SAVING YOU PRONTO.**

**MSPF: dont bother.**

**MSPF: I'm a time player. And I'm not really yor version of me either.**

**MSPF: I think I'm on an alternate timeline from you.**

**YTB: o srry**

**YTB: is tha eveythin**

**MSPF: Not. quite.**

**MSPF: Listen. My session's not been entirely...**

**MSPF: What's the word...**

**MSPF: Truthful.**

**MSPF: with yours.**

**MSPF: we didn't jjust randomly pick yours**

**MSPF: for no reason. okay**

**MSPF: without your session, mine's toast**

**MSPF: we can't move forward in the game without one player from your session.**

**MSPF: The rest of you can die. That's alright.**

**MSPF: But if the one we need dies, then we all die.**

**MSPF: and I'm the hero. it's me.**

**MSPF: so i cant let this happen because i need to protect everyone**

**MSPF: Fuck ow.**

**YTB: wait move forward?**

**MSPF: Yeah. At the end of the game, you get to create your own universe.**

**MSPF: But you need two specific types.**

**MSPF: To do that. we don't got em. weve got one. Fuck, that stings.**

**YTB: Wut 2?**

**MSPF: You need a knight. and a space player.**

**YTB: wait i dont rmember theis shit**

**MSPF: WOULD IT ACTUALLY KILL YOU TO READ THE COMIC?**

**MSPF: weve got the space player**

**MSPF: Tumblr's the Thief of Space but we've got no knight.**

**MSPF: you guys do.**

**YTB: so basically u guiz only buddyed up bcuz weve got a player u need**

**MSPF: Aren't you quick.**

**MSPF: Sorry for messaging you out of the blue like this.**

**MSPF: Because my version of you died early.**

**MSPF: And I really, really miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss your laugh. **

**MSPF: I mean, we had this excellent matespritship going on and you just died.**

**MSPF: So I'll pretty much settle for anything here.**

**YTB: WHOA OKAY easy ther**

**YTB: matesprits? fo shor?**

**MSPF: I love you.**

I've curled into myself, helmet on, watching the messages scrolling steadily upwards. Whoa. Like, seriously, wow. What do I even say to that? I mean, it's sad that he's lost his...me. Or whatever. But does he really need to do this? God, what do I even say? Ms Paint Adventures Forum keeps talking, substituting his version of me for the one I am.

**MSPF: In the timeline im in right now?**

**MSPF: I fucked up. Again.**

**MSPF: I'm the only one left alive.**

**MSPF: And I don't think I'll be here for long.**

**MSPF: You're dead. HSG's Dead. DA's Dead.**

**MSPF: FFN's Dead. Shit, man, even the little girl's dead.**

**MSPF: Little girl Ficwad. She died last.**

**MSPF: She crawled over to her cousin and held his hand, even though he was long gone. Didn't want to die alone.**

**MSPF: and i'm dying too.**

**YTB: ur scaring me**

**YTB: wut do i do**

**MSPF: GOOOD! VERRY GOOD!**

**MSPF: Get scared! Prepare yourself! Please! PLEASE!**

**MSPF: please.**

**MSPF: i cant watch any more of you guys die.**

**MSPF: I can't keep doing this.**

**MSPF: I can't lose you again.**

**MSPF: I'm trying not to screw up. I can't keep doing this anymore.**

**MSPF: im not even sure whats real.**

**YTB: ur here. with me. um its okay and stuff**

**YTB: everythings going to be fine**

**MSPF: im supposed to be the hero**

**YTB: u r the hero.**

**YTB: hello?**

**YTB: hloy shit.**

I rip my helmet off. Sweat's pocked up along my spine, and the voices are back, harder than ever. He's _dead._ Oh My God. Fuck! He's _dead._ Shit. Shit._ Shit._ He's dead. I'm in over my head.

I wonder who he needed? I don't think any of us have gone over titles since we started the game.

My helmet buzzes like an angry bee and I slide it back on.

**[MS Paint Adventure Forums (MSPAF) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]**

**MSPF: hey sexy! :B**

**MSPF: Listen Up!**

**MSPF: 1'M F4STR4CK1NG YOU L1K3 TH3R3'S NO TOMORROW! :]**

**YTB: um.**

**YTB: u just messaged me**

**MSPF: Haha what no I didn't!**

**MSPF: God, must've been HSG trolling you. Oh, him!**

**YTB: u died...**

**MSPF: Again? Man, I suck at this!**

**YTB: u said I died too.**

**MSPF: Yeah, well...I've seen everybody die and infinite amount of times. because im a time player and it's what I do.**

**YTB: no nuh uh gut that out okai**

**YTB: i just listened to one of your alt selfs DIE**

**YTB: and he said that we had a thing**

**YTB: n that he loved me**

**MSPF: Um. Um. Um.**

**MSPF: wow okay**

There's a silence between us. The quiet runs with the things that we don't want to talk about, like dying and love. And think I'm crying but I'm not sure. Because I don't need this drama. I hate playing on a team and it would be so much easier if everybody kept it in their pants and nobody cared all that much.

**YTB: and one more thing**

**YTB: you need a player from ur teem for ur final stage whatever**

**YTB: is that tru?**

**MSPF: yeah. it's true. dont be mad at me.**

**YTB: who is it?**

**MSPF: i cant tell you!**

**MSPF: IT WOULD LITERALLY KILL EVERYONE. PROBABLY.**

**YTB: okaz who ISTN it?**

**MSPF: clever little thing.**

**MSPF: It's not you. Unfortunately.**

**YTB: wats my titel hs boi**

**MSPF: ugggggh can we not do this**

**MSPF: your title's non-canon.**

**MSPF: you are**

**MSPF: THE BARD OF MIND!**

**YTB: wait. can't only guys be bards twf**

**MSPF: ...**

**MSPF: I think you might actually be learning something.**

**MSPF: but yeah bard is traditionally male dominated**

**YTB: but aint the red karkat a seer?**

**MSPF: what.**

**MSPF: HIS NAME IS NOT. RED. KARKAT.**

**MSPF: IT IS KANKRI. and yes, he's a seer. Which is traditi9nally a female d9minated class.**

**YTB: so why cant i get a dude costume and stuff**

**MSPF: There are so many things wrong with your interpretation that I can't even begin anywhere. You are nigh unfixable.**

Okay, he got me. I start laughing, while MS Paint Adventures Forum launches into explain-stuff mode.

**MSPF: Allow me to inform you about your duties as a Bard of Mind.**

**MSPF: YOU GET TO BRING DESTRUCTION USING YOUR MIND.**

**YTB: so basically i get to be jean grey with a codpiece**

**MSPF: you ruin everything.**

**YTB: love you 2 bby**

There's a brief silence. I wonder if that made him laugh?

**MSPF: but in all seriouznizzit**

**YTB: please god never say that again**

**MSPF: There's a massive blackout coming up. I can't time travel past it.**

**YTB: so it's a big deal?**

**MSPF: IT'S A SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE ON MY PRECIOUS TIMELINE.**

**MSPF: YES. IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.**

**YTB: so wut?**

**MSPF: warn your team. they need to be prepared!**

**YTB: lol okay.**

**MSPF: do it now! **

* * *

Back in Deep Space, The Author notices that Youtube does not warn her team about the coming blackout. She merely keeps moving from oxygen-filled cavern to oxygen-filled cavern, chatting with MS Paint Adventure Forums. As the Heir of Time, he's reset both his and her timelines multiple times to try to protect as many people as possible. On the first wall to her left, Ficwad curls up in the shade of a tree and goes to sleep. On the third wall, is slaying monsters while trying to sext HSG. Neither pursuit is going well.

Behind her, on the second wall, Pottermore is debating messaging Youtube to tell her about his feelings. Youtube's on the fourth wall. She begins to bond with MSPAF, who tells her stories of his daring time-traveling expeditions, battling all sorts of creatures to bring peace back into the world. He forgets his spot multiple times, but she doesn't get cross. She merely reminds him of what happened last. He tells her it's hard to remember stuff from all the timelines he's been in-he doesn't remember which he's in now, even! That makes her laugh. She tells him about her dad. About her friends, about being Albino and the boomerang cuts. They form references. Inside jokes. And Youtube lightens up a bit. Shocking.

Behind The Author, on the second wall, Pottermore taps out a quick 'Hey, I love you' to Youtube, but erases it just as quickly.

Eventually, MSPAF sends out the message to Youtube that will make everything complicated later.

**MSPF: Hey, you know I wear glasses, right?**

**YTB: o rely?**

**YTB: i kinda like boys who wear glasses.**

**YTB: :D **


	21. INT: FW: Face down Red Miles

Deep in space, as far as you can get from Skaia without going out of the session, is Derse. Hopefully by now you've figured out that this isn't the best place to be.

The Queen of Derse waits patiently for news of the two players hiding either on the planet's surface, inside the planet itself, or on the moon.

"Your Vileness!"

Even with her eyes closed, she still recognizes the rushed tone of one of her underlings.

"Kneel! Now, what is it?!"

He clanks to the floor. Ugh, it's the one with the underbite. Nasty thing.

"We've found the girl, your Vileness! She's due to wake up any time! The Sylph will awaken!" he snorts, drawing a long strand of mucus back up into his nose. The Queen of Derse opens her eyes.

"Where is she?!"

He hesitates, dropping his eyes to the floor.

"Where is the girl?! Answer!" she spits, advancing forwards, a snarl pulling at her face. "She-She-She's on the moon! In a tower!" the underling answers, eyes wandering and nose still running.

In response, the Queen unsheathes her claws and slashes his throat. "Can we get a cleanup in here!?" she calls shrilly, stepping back to avoid the blood.

Still, she's got absolutely no interest in the Sylph girl. Who the hell cares about some goddamn snot-nosed brat anyway? She's got a planet to run, especially since her husband, the Black King, is off fighting wars for Skaia. Like she's going to drop her whole tyrannical empire just to assassinate some child. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Twisting her ring around her finger, little red lines spiral upwards, awaiting her. "The Sylph is on the moon of Derse. Find her and kill her."

* * *

On the moon of Derse, Ficwad's dream self wakes up for the first time. Her room is mostly empty, Spartan, even, with only a wardrobe, a mirror, and a bed. Everything in it is in varying shades of purple.

Ficwad rolls out of bed, running the mirror to get a look at the outfit her dream self gets. It's a short violet dress, complete with dark purple tights and shoes. Ficwad plays with the crinoline under her skirt, trying to fluff it to maximum volume. Eventually, she notices that there's no door, but there is a window. The view out the window is of solid black sky and the planet of Derse, which consists of purple glass spires, dark purple streets, and little black crablike creatures wander to and fro.

Without really thinking about it, Ficwad jumps out the window.

She is not that bright.

The gravity's not as high as it would be on Derse-Ficwad floats down the the ground, and is able to hover above the surface. Laughing, she kicks off, zooming quickly over the pocked surface and uneven roads, looking for one person.

She finds a spire similar to her own, and has no trouble flying up the side of it to the window. The room itself is dark, and crowded with wires and what looks like really shitty pen-swords. In the middle of the debris, sleeping on his stomach, is 's dream self. He hasn't awoken yet.

Ficwad giggles, creeping closer, one hand reaching forward to poke him in the face.

flinches violently in his sleep, muttering.

"Miles...Can't escape. The Miles. Red miles."

Ficwad wants to shake him to wake him up, but there's a low cracking noise sounding from outside. It sounds like something from the middle of the planet is fighting it's way out. Noticing the odd red color of the sky, Ficwad wades through the trash in FFN's room to the window.

Outside, scarlet tendrils are descending from the sky like hungry snakes. Ficwad watches one in dumbfounded shock as it touches the surface of the moon, tearing the surface of the planet apart. The tendrils keep branching off, and every thing they hit literally falls apart.

"Red Miles," Ficwad murmurs. "You can't escape the red miles."

Behind her, her cousin turns over in his sleep. Beneath her, a red mile slices through the supports of the tower.

Ficwad screams as the tower tilts sideways, feet lifting off the floor. Another Red Mile tears through the bottom of the room, separating it from the tower and sending the whole building spiraling into space. Ficwad is slammed against the ceiling, and her head hits the wall hard. Another Mile slices the room in half, separating Ficwad and , who is still asleep.

The force of Mile this close sends rubble flying against the fourteen year old girl. She raises her arms, but a shard of glass slices across her forehead and arms, drawing blood and tearing the sleeves. Ficwad starts crying. She's terrified. She doesn't know what to do.

FFN's dream self is falling out of what's left of his room. Red Miles are all around him. Ficwad tucks her legs underneath her, and pushes her hair down the back of her dress, trying to ignore the blood that's dripping off her head and wrecking her skirt.

She pushes off strong, arms and legs pressed tight together, streamlining herself, eyes trained on her still-asleep older cousin. She comes up against a floating hunk of rubble, and outstretches her right leg to push off it.

"Goddamn it! Come on!" she screams, falling fast upon FFN. An explosion sounds behind her, and she can feel the warmth on the back of her legs. Ficwad glances over her shoulder. The Red Miles are completely done with the tower, turning it into a pile of smoking pebbles and are now coming straight for her.

Her hand bumps against FFN's chest, then tightens in his shirt. "Wake up!" she screams, shaking him. He's limp and unresponsive. "Wake up! Fuck! Goddamn it! WAKE UP!"

Ficwad slaps him across the face, once, twice, hard enough to leave a red mark. He doesn't wake, but he's still breathing evenly. Tears leak out of Ficwad's eyes and float as beautiful orbs in the low gravity, mixing with the blood from her head and arm wounds.

"Goddamn you! Fuck you! Fuck you!" she sobs, wrapping her hands tightly in 's shirt.

She winds up, dragging him all the way to her left, then throws him to the right, adding a double-leg kick to his sternum for good measure.

Ficwad watches him plummet down to Derse for a good thirty-eight seconds. In those thirty-eight seconds, he is safe. He is going down to a planet away from the Red Miles. He will survive.

On the thirty-ninth second, the Red Miles catch up to her. One plunges straight through her chest, obliterating her lungs.

Ficwad's chest cavity rapidly fills with her own blood. She chokes, not having any air to breathe. Her mouth opens wide, and the blood that was in her chest races up her esophagus and out of her open mouth, pouring out like vomit. The second Red Mile that reaches her cuts through her spinal cord and stomach.

She no longer feels the pain in the rest of her body. Her brain starts to shut down from lack of oxygen. Her heart falters. She dies.

The Red Miles disintegrate once she is dead. They have done what they were assigned to do.


	22. FW: Have Horrible Dream

**== BE THE YOUNGEST GIRL **

* * *

Fuck! Fuck! Oh My God! Holy Shit!

I sit bolt upright. I'm still under the tree. I'm still on LORAF. I'm still alive. I reach under my shirt, feeling for my sternum. My chest is still whole. I feel around, just to make sure. Tears have dried on my face. Oh, God. Oh, God. Did that just happen?

I glance around, looking for Fictionpress. "FP? You there, yo? Please?"

She's not. I reach for my stomch (stomach.) and run my hand back and forth. I'm still okay. Deep breaths, Ficwad. You're okay. You're fine. You're alive. You saved FFN. He's okay. Everyone's okay and alive. Why can't I stop crying? None of it was real. It was just a dream. Just a very bad dream.

I curl up again and go back to sleep.

* * *

Far away in a different session, a slender girl with pigtailed brown hair hammers commands desperately into her computer to try to wake up her patron player.

**[DeviantArt (DA) pestered Ficwad (FW)!] **

**DA: FICWAD-CHAN! **

**DA: FICWAD-CHAN! **

**DA: WAKE UP! DON'T SLEEP!**

**DA: DON'T FALL ASLEEP!**

**DA: DON'T FALL ASLEEP! **

* * *

In between the two sessions, The Author presses her hands against Ficwad's wall. She wants to help her, but there is nothing she can do.

* * *

I wake up. Wait, didn't I just fall asleep?

No, wait. Wait a minute. What's that? I raise my hand up, and it's filmy beneath my hands. It's my old mosquito netting from my old room. Sunlight streams through the window of my treehouse. My computer pings with messages. Disentangling the mosquito net, I wander over to check my messages. Who's pestering me now?

**[Pottermore (PM) messaged Ficwad (FW)!] **

**PM: Happy Birthday, Ficwaffle! **

**PM: How old are you? Fourteen? **

**PM: Anywho, listen pigeon, I got a copy of that game you've been bugging on about. **

**PM: SBURB, wasn't it? **

**PM: I've sent you a copy. Have fun playing! :D**

**PM: Happy Birthday!**

No way. No fuckin' way! It was all a dream. I was dreaming the whole time! I laugh, and it sounds too loud in the house, but I don't care. It wasn't real! None of it was! Oh, Thank God! Thank God! It was all a dream!

I'm still laughing as I walk away from my computer. In the kitchen, it seems like something's off, but I don't realize it until I look out the window.

The entire forest is silent. Dead quiet.

The hairs on the back of my neck raise up. No wind. No monkeys. No birds. Nothing. Not a single sound. None of the leaves are even rustling together. It's so quiet, I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears. It makes my skin creep. I hug my arms tight to my body, and I can hear my computer's message program going off again.

I race back, hoping it'll save all this freaky shit.

**[Fanfiction Dot-Net (FFN) messaged Ficwad (FW)!] **

**FFN: Hey chick-cousin! **

**FW: wassup bro? **

**FFN: We're all waiting for you. **

**FW: what **

**FFN: We're waiting for you. **

**FFN: We all showed up. **

**FFN: WE're all waiting for yoooooouuuuuu. **

**FW: where? **

**FFN: Go DoWn to the rIveR. **

**FFN: Happy Birthday :D: **

Right after that message comes in, a wave of static rolls across my screen, obscuring the words. They all blur together into a dark wriggly form, then realign. Something about this feels wrong. Everything feels very wrong. But whatever, right? At least they all showed up for my birthday! I've never met any of them before! It'll be fun with all of us together!

* * *

Deep between the two sessions, The Author is slamming her palms on Ficwad's wall. She is screaming at her to not go. It's a trap. Ficwad can't hear her. The Author's palms are cracking from catching on the metal rivets on the wall.

* * *

I climb out of the door of my treehouse, sending a rope down the forest floor. I shimmy down expertly into the darkness of the jungle. Man, the lack of noise is giving me some serious heebie-jeebies. I whistle Hang 'Em High to fill the silence. Eventually, I can hear the faint whispering of the river. "Guys?" I call. "You there?"

I don't see anyone, and nobody answers me. Somehow, I doubt that they'd just hate on me to get me down to the river for no good reason.

"Helllooooo?" I call.

"Hey, Ficwad's here!"

My heart jumps, y'know, in a good way. That's Fanfiction Dot-net! Awesome! Relief spreads through me, and I start running towards the sound of the river. "Where are you guys?" I call.

"Fuckhead! We went for a swim! Come join up, gurl!" Youtube's raspy voice seems to echo through the trees.

I burst out of the trees, and see a flash of heads disappear under the water. I hesitate. Fictionpress told me to not go swimming in the river because of like alligators and jellyfish and shit, but if they're doing it, so it must be okay.

I kick my shoes off and go wading through the reeds and squelchy mud to the river. It doesn't look as clear as it usually does. It looks like somebody poured ink into it. Man, I can't see any of them at all!

Wading deeper into the river, my shorts stick to my legs. The water doesn't feel particularly cold. Or warm. Hope there's no leeches.

Wait, why haven't they come up for air? Is there a cave under the water or something?

"Where are you at?" I ask, but nobody comes to the surface. Fine. It's probably like a birthday test or something. I have to swim under the water to find some sort of cave because I'm a real teen now or some shit.

I take a deep breath in, and dive under.

The water pulls my hair around like I'm a mermaid. I don't see any of them. I don't see anything. The water's so fucking dark down here, I can barely even see my feet. How deep does the river go, anyway? I kick and pull with my hands, going further down. Light starts to fade from the surface.

Wait.

_Why's there no current down here?_

I stop. I'm not touching the bottom any more. I'm nowhere near the top, either. There's no light around me, and all I can see are my arms and legs. This doesn't feel right. None of this does. I start to swim upwards, away from all this cray shit, but something latches onto my right ankle.

I look down.

Fanfiction Dot-net's got my foot. His skin's pale white, ghostly with liver and age spots. The arm that shows is skin and bones, the fingers knotted with knucklebones and are closed tightly around me. His smile is too big for his face, teeth sharpened into fangs, eyes pupil-free and glowing like an anglerfish's. Around him, Pottermore and Youtube are looking up at me. They look pretty fucking hungry.

Youtube's skin is splitting around her eyes and mouth. Pottermore's covered in grey-green algae, and all three are pale and alternately skinny-bloated.

They're _dead. _

They're all _dead. _

I scream, bubbles erupting from my open mouth and fleeing to the surface. My three dead friends slowly, languidly grab onto my legs and arms, pulling me deeper into the river.

I scream, twist fight, but it's no good. They've got me. I'm gonna die too.

They pull me deeper and deeper into the river, and when my feet finally hit the bottom, they let go of me and swim away from me like I'm a goddamn leper or some shit. Like, they get away and get away fast. What even? If they're gonna swim so far away, then why bother taking me down here?

I try to swim after them. My bones are concrete. I lift one very heavy arm up and try to feel my way out. Maybe I can find a seaweed or something and drag my way to the surface.

My hand brushes against something slick and warm. I look behind me. FFN's stopped, and is looking back at me. He opens his eyes, and lights up dark patches of seaweed. He closes them. Then opens them.

I turn back around. Behind me, Fanfiction Dot-net opens his eyes again.

My first thought is _Octopus._

All I see are tentacles. And eyes. And endless teeth. The light disappears, and I'm plunged into darkness. I start hearing voices, but I can't tell what they're saying. It scares me. I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. Please please please get me out why won't my feet move stop talking please i don't understand stop please i dont wanna play anymore-

All I see are faint outlines of teeth, and tentacles, and endless eyes veins oh god no no no no make it go away make it all go away _please_ make it leave please please i cant do this please please please_ stop talking_ im just a kid i dont understand i dont want to play anymore oh god _no no no NO! _

* * *

I'm screaming when I wake up this time.

I start crying. I can't speak. I just make sounds, and start pulling on my hair.

Where's Fictionpress? I don't want to play anymore! I don't want to sleep anymore.

"Fuh? Furkwerd?"

Fretardsprite floats closer, eyes blinking.

I try to tell him what happened. "Agah, dah no no no..."

He grabs onto me, pulling my face into the space between Frank-face and Gerard-head. He unevenly pats my hair, smoothing it down and starts making sounds.

"Ferkwerd streng. Shh. Me here. Me help. Herney no cry."

My hands are shaking. I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep ever again. I try talking again.

"The monsters...monsters...horrible!"

"Furkwerd?"

Fretardsprite lets go of me.

"Furkwerd? Sad?" he asks. He starts glancing hurriedly around, gathering bright rocks that are lying around. "No sad! No sad Furkwerd!"

He brings the rocks closer to me, building little rock pyramids in front of my feet. His lazy eye even tries to focus on me, for once.

I look down at the little rock thingies he's made. God. I've been nothing but mean to him, treated him like fucking dirt, even, but he still likes me. I reach one arm out and pull him into a hug.

"Thank you. Thank you," I whisper into the side of his neck.

He awkwardly wraps his arms around me again.


End file.
